Finding My Way...

Faith and Truth

2012-01-13T19:16:00.002-06:00

When I heard about the changes that were being made to the Catholic mass, I was troubled, sad and a little angry. As a person who doesn't like change very much, I was more than a little peeved that there are changes to prayers, changes to responses, changes to things that have been the same for a long time. The changes are being defended, hailed as a way to bring solemnity and glory to God and to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that they're a more literal translation and intended to bring us spiritually closer to God.

Okay. I'll give 'em that.

But...

I still disagree with the changes. I know some Catholics who tell me that I'm either Catholic or I'm not. I've joked for years that I'm a Low-Calorie Catholic. Catholic Light! Whatever. I suppose according to their standards, I'm not Catholic. I've come under fire for my belief that people wrote the Bible, not God. And I believe that things in the Bible have been lost in translation over hundreds/thousands of years. It's not just about me, though. I read last month--and I don't remember where, though I would like to so I could cite it here--that the only way people can be "saved" and enter the Kingdom of Heaven is to verbally profess their faith and declare the Lord as Savior.

I work with people who are mute. I work with individuals with developmental disabilities who are unable to speak because they function at roughly the level of a 6-month old. I work with individuals with severe mental illnesses who are actively psychotic and completely incoherent. And I don't believe for even one second that any of them can't make it into Heaven or be saved simply because they can't say it. What about babies that die? What about children who are too young to understand? I've never believed that un-baptized are banned from Heaven, but now if a kid can't profess faith, they're doomed? Who makes up that stuff?

I also work with people who are violent and have committed horrible crimes against others. Is such a person more worthy of forgiveness, more worthy of a relationship with God, more worthy of entrance to Heaven just because he or she can verbally profess faith and contrition? And an innocent person is not worthy just because he or she cannot speak?

I am not good at fancy, flowery, solemn prayers. I talk to God like I talk to anyone. Pretty direct, asking questions when I need to, expressing thanks when things are good, asking for help when things are not so good. Why should my relationship and how I talk to God change just because that's the direction of the church? Because they say it's true?

What is the truth? Well, I suspect the truth is that none of us know what the truth is. Not the real truth, anyway. Because everyone's ideas of the truth is a little different--and that's part of the issue. We only have ideas of truth.

A former friend of mine belonged to extreme Baptist church that told everyone that only 13,000 souls get into Heaven. Once she got hooked up with them, she stopped being friends with me because I was a heathen. According to her, my beliefs are wrong. Another woman makes fun of other religions, tells people they're un-Christian, teases Mormons, bullies people about their beliefs, (and very troubling to me, makes sarcastic jokes about Casey Anthony and saying that it's not a big deal if she did, in fact, murder her daughter--because it's just a late-term abortion and people are saying that women should have choices about what to do with their bodies and their babies), talks about how impatient she is and how frequently she spanks her kids even though (by her own admission) it doesn't seem to help deal with the issues...and goes on to condemn and judge others based on the fact that she's Reformed and believes everything in the Bible. According to her, too, my beliefs are wrong. And I'm pretty sure they'd think each others' beliefs are wrong, too. I've been told that I'm going to burn in hell for wearing shorts to church--and they weren't obscene shorts! I've been told that if I don't subscribe and fully believe the edicts of one religion or another, I'm not going to be saved and I cannot get into Heaven.

What truth is in that? Where is there any truth in any of it? Why is it true? Because they say so?

Well, I also say that holding off on my kiddo's formal religious instruction isn't going to make her a faithless sinner. I say that eating too much bad fat is bad for the body. And I'm pretty sure those things are true, too.

I also think it's true that we're all sinners in our own way. When we say unkind words (guilty), make fun of politicians (guilty), when we tell white lies (mucho guilty), when we roll our eyes (not too guilty, only a little) and judge people with different beliefs (um, duh, yeah, guilty if you've read this post)...all sins. And I also think that Jesus already died for our sins. I don't think that's free reign to just do whatever we want that's evil because HEY, WE'RE SAVED! I think that we're called to live good lives, but not perfect lives. If God wanted us to be perfect, He wouldn't have made us humans. If God expected us to be perfect, then what is the reasoning behind sending His only Son to us for eternal redemption?

And maybe that's the key for me: Losing my religion to find my faith. And if I have my faith, well, then I suppose I haven't really lost anything.

Post Christmas Blues

2011-12-26T15:20:00.001-06:00

I'm so very, very thankful that Christmas is done. It was a good holiday, but the stress of the season and some surrounding events has become a heavy, crushing force and I'm teetering on the brink of exhaustion. Christmas itself is stressful enough with shopping and juggling time between families, keeping up with old traditions, trying to establish some of our own traditions and so on.

The past twelve days, though...whew. The hubs was in a car accident twelve days ago. Not his fault, he was sitting at a red light in his Saturn Ion and got hit by a work truck with an attached trailer that was going about 40mph. I'm very aware that he was incredibly fortunate and I have no doubt that some other-worldly forces were at work in allowing him to be able to physically walk away from that. Our kiddo was not in the car, either, which is so much of a blessing. Hearing a police officer say that the back third of the car was mostly gone and that the rear bumper was in the front seat was one of the most surreal things I've ever experienced. When I got to the accident scene and saw it, I could barely breathe. At first glance, it didn't look so bad, but when I saw my kiddo's booster seat flipped over and wedged into a narrow space (that she physically could not have fit in), that old heart condition I have started acting up and I could feel that flutter in my chest as the rhythm starting getting all out of whack.

I'd held onto some hope that somehow the insurance would pay for repairs. In my heart, I knew it wasn't true, but I hoped anyway. Financially, taking on a second car payment is not a good idea for us and I just kept that hope alive...hoping and hoping and hoping some more, but we got the news last week that there was no way the insurance company was repairing it and they declared it a total loss. I agonized over what to do. The payout isn't enough for a new car, not even close--that old Ion had almost 100k miles on it and since Saturn no longer exists, it wasn't worth much. But, we were thankful to get anything for it and we went back and forth over whether to just buy something used and hope for the best or to make a long term investment and buy something new. Thinking about it hurt my brain. I have two years of payments left on my car and we hadn't planned on getting the hubs a new car until mine was paid off.

Clearly, destiny had a different idea.

We really only had five days to make our decision. That's how long the law gives us with a rental after a vehicle has been declared totaled. I hated being rushed, but I went with my gut and after lots of careful consideration, the hubs and I became reluctant owners of a new vehicle today. I mean, we'll figure it out and make it work, but it's just not a position I wanted to be in. The salesman we worked with came highly recommended and with the end of the year incentives, rebates and our down payment, we're financing roughly half of the total cost and the payments will be somewhat manageable. It comes with a pretty good warranty that we'll hopefully be able to extend later. I would have liked to do it now, but it would have pushed the monthly payments out of our price range. On a good note, the first payment isn't due for 60 days and the insurance company will reimburse us for the sales tax, transfer fees for the plates, etc. With that refund, it will actually be about six months worth of car payments that we won't have to worry about right away. I keep reminding myself that things will work out somehow. They often do. I'm working hard to keep the faith and believe that it'll be okay, but it's more of a struggle these days.

As for the decision to go with a new car instead of used...after working with the numbers, we would have saved about $50 or so per month on a used vehicle, which is a good amount, but I couldn't help but wonder what it would cost us in the long run to take over a vehicle that's already a few years old with no warranty and who knows what kind of repair needs. It's a gamble no matter what. I feel good that we at least have a solid factory warranty in place.

I'm off work today and just trying to breathe and relax. I work through Friday and then actually took next week off. My kiddo deserves some uninterrupted time with me to just have fun and put this December behind us.

Rather than making a New Year's resolution, I'm making an end-of-year resolution. My sister asked me to complete a 5k with her in the spring and I've decided to do it. I looked into the Couch Potato to 5K running program and I do believe I can do it. I have to be careful with my knees, so I'll probably stretch the program into longer than 12 weeks so I don't hurt myself. My resolution for the end of 2011 is to get a good pair of running shoes. One teeny, tiny goal on the way to a bigger goal. I did a 5k a few years back so I know I can do it again. Just have to get this old body moving again. I'm not much of a runner and I don't anticipate doing very well at the 5k, but just finishing it is going to be my goal.

Speaking of resolutions, I took a look back at what I resolved to do in 2011 and here are my results:

I planned on attending three concerts this year. Pete Yorn, Matt Nathanson and Mat Kearney. Goal completed!
Blogging weekly. HAHAHAHA! HOHOHOHO! SNORT GIGGLE SNORT. Yeah, not even close.
Referral to orthopedist. Nope. My knee still has the mystery bubble that appears and disappears.
Reading one book per month. I do believe this was completed. I didn't always update my Goodreads account, but I've done a lot of reading and really enjoyed it.
Taking more pictures. Yes, I did take more, even though my good camera was broken.
Pay off one credit card. Done. Done twice actually. They were small balances, but it felt so good to get those out of the way.
Spend more time outside. I did good with this for a while, especially over the summer when I spent a crazy amount of time out on my bike every night.

That's about it. And really, that's enough. Here's to hoping for a quiet week and a relaxing end to 2011. I'm so ready for 2012.

Look! It's Me!

2011-12-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

Wow, December snuck up on me. November zipped by as I made my first attempt at NaNo. The semester is done, thank goodness. It wasn't a great session, but it's over now and I'm looking forward to the next few weeks of no teaching before the new semester starts. Christmas is two weeks away and I'm almost done shopping, which is good. I did lots of shopping online this year, with only a few adventurous forays into the stores. I just don't do well with crowds. Years ago, I always had my shopping done by Thanksgiving, but these days, my schedule doesn't allow for that.

Anyhoo, I've been busy, as always, juggling work and home and trying to squeeze in some time for myself here and there. My kiddo's been having a really hard time lately. She's so intense and so obsessive about things. I'm doing what I can to teach her to lighten up a bit. That's kind of ironic coming from me, considering my own personality. I just want her to have fun and be a kid. Kids these days have so much to do, so much to worry about, so much on their plates. I refuse to make my kiddo grow up too soon. She needs to be able to play and be goofy and silly, the way kids are supposed to do. I always felt old, even when I was young--that whole "old soul" thing--and I find myself enjoying things as an adult that I think I should have enjoyed more when I was younger. It's fine to enjoy stuff as an adult, but I don't ever want my kiddo looking back with a sigh of regret over all the things she didn't do. I hope that's one lesson I can teach her. Life is too short with too much uncertainty to let things slip by.

And that's my philosophical moment of the day. For now, I've got laundry to fold and a house that needs cleaning. Not that either of those are likely to get done tonight, because I'm really thinking about going to bed. Sleep is the definite winner tonight.

Chirp, Chirp

2011-11-28T21:15:00.000-06:00

That's the sound of crickets chirping.

Which is also the sound of how it's been on my blog. Bad, bad blogger.

My life is so full and busy these days. And this month, I decided to try my hand at NaNoWriMo, so all of my writing efforts have gone there. I'm not going to hit my goal of 50,000 words, but I'm still glad I tried it out. I think next year will be better.

I was thinking about how close it is to the end of the year. Christmas is a little less than a month away and then POOF! Another year gone. I don't remember time going this fast when I was a kid, but now, I blink and whole months are gone. Unbelievable.

I'm tired, so that's about it for tonight. More nonsense later.

Adult Whining

2011-11-04T15:51:00.001-05:00

I feel like most of my posts the past few months have lacked real substance. I have plenty in my mind that I want to share, but just having a hard time getting it on paper...or on my blog.

It's funny how annoyed I get when people whine. I also get annoyed with myself when I get whiny...and I've been pretty whiny this week. Just sick and feeling icky. It's been hard to concentrate on anything and get even the simplest tasks done. There was a time in my life when being sick barely slowed me down. Of course, back then it seemed like I was sick all the time, so it just sort of became a way of life. Now that I'm healthier and only get really sick maybe twice a year, it has a bigger impact on me and leaves me drained. I shouldn't even whisper a complaint, though. My kiddo is sick, too. You'd never guess it. She's in a great mood and was just jumping on the couch. Of course, that burst of energy could be from the steroids. But she does have fluid in her lungs and she needs to rest. My poor baby.

Anyway, even though it's been a not-great week, I've worked to keep up with my five things. Not perfect, but at least okay.

1. I was in bed before 10pm every night except last night. I got home from teaching and ate dinner, then read a book for a while. Got to bed around 11pm.

2. Exercise has not been a priority, especially when any exertion has been making me cough. I have, however, snuck in a few short walks.

3. Lunches have stayed consistently healthy and inexpensive. Dinners have been pretty good. I missed veggies last night. Before that, though, I was going crazy eating Brussels sprouts. SO GOOD.

4. Laundry has been caught up. In fact, I was even able to skip one day because there was no laundry to do. Go me!

5. I haven't taken my supplements daily, but I'm getting better. I'm still working on making it part of my regular routine. I find that I do best if I take the Vitamin D in the morning and the flaxseed in the afternoon.

That's about it. I'm hoping for a quiet, easy weekend. We're pretty much housebound, not really smart to take the kiddo out when she's so sick. I may let her go out in the yard later for some fresh air, but no public places. Her poor immune system is taking a one-two punch between being sick and the immune system suppressing steroids. We're going to have a coughing contest, wear ourselves out, eat some dessert (before dinner, tee hee!) and then go to sleep! :)

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T18:20:00.000-05:00

I usually enjoy Halloween, but I'm having flashbacks to last year when I was horribly sick. I woke up around midnight burning up (but strangely freezing) with a hideous sore throat and stuffy nose. I've been taking Zicam and drinking warm water with honey and lemon. I even got desperate and threw a tablespoon of vinegar into a 12oz glass of water and chugged it. It doesn't taste all that good, but for whatever reason, it seems to help. I also caved in and bought some nighttime cold medicine--hopefully that'll ease my symptoms. I need good rest tonight because I have an early meeting tomorrow. Speaking of rest, that brings me to my update...

1. I was in bed at 9:46pm last night. GO ME! I'm feeling sick enough that I'm actually aiming for 9:30pm tonight, whether or not housework is done.

2. I didn't exercise last night. I felt weirdly fatigued--which I now know is because I was getting sick--but I did walk a few blocks today when I took my kiddo trick-or-treating this evening.

3. Was off work today, so I ate lunch and dinner at home. Lunch was a sandwich, nothing fancy. Dinner was pork chops and mashed potatoes. And I heaped my potatoes with a pile of green onions. My breath may be stinky, but I got a good dose of vitamins and it counts as my veggies for the day.

4. Did some laundry today since I was home. Washed, dried and folded 3 loads. Just need to get them put away, which I'll be doing while my kiddo takes a bath tonight.

5. Missed my flaxseed and Vitamin D today, but I think I balanced it out with my immune-system-supporting tablets.

I'm kind of bummed that I'm not feeling well, because Halloween is my favorite time of year and it was hard to enjoy it. That being said, though, I had a nice time with my kiddo, got to help out with her classroom party and spent a fun couple of hours with her. We're chilling out for a little while longer and then it's off to bed for her.

Five Again

2011-10-30T18:41:00.000-05:00

It occurs to me that accountability is probably the only thing that's going to keep me going with a healthier, taking-care-of-myself lifestyle. That being said, it's back to the Five Things in Five Days.

1. Bedtime. 10pm. Last time, I got pretty close, but I really need to hit that 10pm mark for myself.

2. Exercise. I got lazy. I'll do something each day to get moving and shaking. Or at the very least, taking a stroll around the block.

3. Lunches. And dinners. Keep bringing those lunches to work. For this five day routine, I'm going to make a point of eating at least one vegetable each night at dinner. Even if it's broccoli every single night.

4. Laundry. I will do at least one load of laundry each day. I get so irritated when it's piled up and we go through enough clothes, towels and sheets that I can complete one load each day...and by "complete", I mean washed, dried, folded and hung up or put away in drawers.

5. Supplements. I should be taking flaxseed oil and vitamin D. I'll make a point of getting my daily dose in this week.

That's about it. And I'm cheating on laundry a little. I already did 3 loads today so the rest of the week isn't so burdensome with mountains of stuff to be folded and put away. :)

Today...

2011-10-28T17:16:00.000-05:00

...is a better day.

Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

I have A LOT of cleaning to do. I can't stand it when the house gets so cluttery and messy, so it's going to be a long evening. I can't look at it anymore. I've already gotten one bag of garbage together. It's not anything nasty, but junk mail piles up, the kiddo's school papers pile up, hubs leaves his stuff all over the dining room, and unfortunately, the bedroom has become a catch-all for when there isn't a place for something.

I've had enough. This happens a few times a year, where I just get kind of neglectful of the house, but the holidays are fast approaching and I don't want to have to worry about this nonsense later. I'll tackle what I can in the next two days. Part of what motivated me was last week's "Five Things In Five Days". I did pretty good with cleaning/organizing one thing each day and it's just carrying over. I'm glad about that.

I also told my kiddo that I'm throwing away all of her old crayons and markers. She was horrified, but I explained that half of the markers are dried up, the crayons are a broken up disaster...so we'll start from scratch with a new box of markers and a new box of crayons. Her face lit up like a ray of sunshine.

Speaking of sunshine, the days are getting way shorter. I miss seeing the sunshine in the evenings. Snow will be here before I know it...eeek. Not quite ready for that yet.

What I am ready for is to tackle another load of laundry, so off I go!

On My Own

2011-10-25T20:30:00.001-05:00

If I had known ten years ago that today would be ten years from now, I may have done a few things differently. There's no way to un-do anything, and I maintain that I've learned lessons from everything that has happened, but...I'm feeling a little lonely and a lot sad tonight. And kind of disappointed in myself.

I never thought that I'd be hitting my mid-30s, juggling two jobs, praying to keep the bills caught up, praying that my next cancer checkup goes okay, managing a home and family, quietly packaging up my hopes and dreams and storing them in a corner of my heart because it hurts too much to completely let go of them.

It never occurred to me that one day, I would cross the line from being a loner, to feeling alone, to feeling lonely. Most days, I don't mind being alone. As much as I can be a big, social, kooky spazz, I'm more quietly introspective and I like my own company. I'm comfortable with it. Lately though, as things have been catching up with me, I find myself longing for something different.

I find that I long to be different, even if only for a little while.

Every so often, I feel like I've lost myself, that I've gone missing from my own life. Like I'm an impostor in my own life. And there isn't a milk carton in the world big enough to profile my missing self. That's something I have to find on my own.

She's out there. Or here inside me. Somewhere.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

2011-10-24T21:17:00.000-05:00

Nope, not Rice Krispies.

My knees.

Ouch.

A few days of high-impact workouts and my knees are paying the price. The crunching sound is making me cringe. I slathered on a bunch of Icy Hot and I'm taking it easy tonight. It feels weird not to work out now that I'm back in the habit, but I'm going to be a good girl and listen to my body and just rest. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I'll do Pilates, maybe swimming depending on what time I wake up. I miss swimming. My schedule is so packed these days, the only time I can go is when the pool opens at 4:30am and truth is, I'm just not that motivated to get up so early. I barely sleep as it is, so getting up that early is not particularly appealing.

I know it's only Monday, but I'm looking forward to the weekend. It's going to be quiet, I'm going to work on finishing the kiddo's Halloween costume, finish a puzzle, do some cleaning. I know it's nothing glamorous, but there's peace in the routine of simple tasks. Ooohhh...and I think I'm going to take in the fun, haunted activities at the zoo Saturday night. That should be a great time!

Until then, though, I have a bunch of stuff to take care of, including a stack of papers to grade. Fooey. More nonsense later...

5

2011-10-21T21:46:00.000-05:00

Day Five...I have to give myself a little credit. This round of Five Things in Five Days wasn't perfect, but if nothing else, it was kind of a catalyst to get me blogging again. First, my summary...

1. I cleaned and organized the top of my desk at work. Mostly it came down to catching up on filing--I never realize how many papers I've collected until I need to get them in their proper places. The only pile of papers left are all actual work that I have to do on Monday.

2. I did Pilates last night. I started a Firm workout tonight then got sidetracked when the kiddo was having trouble falling asleep. I finally gave up, snuggled with her and read a book. I'm going to make an effort to squeeze in a morning workout tomorrow.

3. Simple lunch again: Sandwich, yogurt and apple.

4. I got to bed at 10:36pm last night. Definitely later than I would prefer, but I got my workout in and I felt really good, so it was okay.

5. Update posted. :)

This week made me realize how much I miss writing, even just small, little, inconsequential things. I have so many things in my head on any given day and I always think I'm going to find some bucket of time somewhere--an extra hidden hour here or there--and I'll be able to write. Clearly, life and time don't work like that, so I need to just write when I can.

I mentioned recently that I've just been feeling blue. I know it'll pass in time, but when it happens, things just look bleak and I feel miserable. I'm kind of a worrier to begin with, but when I'm feeling down, that worry takes on a life of its own and I find myself anxious about the smallest things, then I get upset. I know it's silly. Like today, I started getting all upset because the flash on my camera isn't working and the cost of fixing it is almost the cost of a new camera. I realize this isn't a big deal, but I got so irrationally upset over it. And truly, the irrational part is that I ALREADY KNEW THE FLASH WASN'T WORKING. It's not like it snuck up on me. It hasn't worked for months! Today, though, BAM! Just got all bent out of shape over it.

The good thing is, it's the end of the day. It's 9:45pm and I'm actually blogging in bed. The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I can start a new day and hopefully shake off this cloud hanging over my head.

4...

2011-10-20T21:31:00.000-05:00

I'm still doing my thing this week!

1. I cleaned the dining room table. It had become a "catch all" for school papers and arts and crafts. All better!

2. I'm getting ready to do my Pilates DVD as soon as I'm done posting this.

3. Brought lunch to work and ate it. Nothing fancy. Sandwich, yogurt, apple.

4. Was ASLEEP before 10:15pm last night. AH-MAZING! I won't get to bed by 10pm tonight. When I created this list, I didn't take into account my late night teaching. I'll be in bed by 10:30pm, though. I just want to make sure I do Pilates first.

5. Update posted. :)

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm wearing jeans and my favorite green sweater to work. I hardly ever get to wear jeans to work anymore, so this will be a nice change. And I'm happy that it's chilly enough to wear that sweater--it's all comfy and warm. Yay for Autumn!

3...

2011-10-19T21:44:00.000-05:00

The cool thing about the daily posting of my "five things" is that it typically makes me think of other things to write about. That's a good thing, especially considering the long dry spells between posts this year!

So...

1. I cleaned and dusted the top of my dresser last night. And I found a few dollars worth of change. Nice! Tonight, I cleared off the kitchen table. It's amazing how quickly the mail and school papers piled up. All done!

2. Missed Pilates last night...kiddo was having a hard time. But I woke up at 5am (no alarm!), hung out in bed until 5:30am, then did Pilates this morning. AND I did a Firm workout tonight. Nice!

3. I blew it at lunch. I did pack a good, healthy lunch, but caved in when hubs asked if I wanted to meet him for lunch and let me pick. We went for Mexican and it was yummy. (It's probably good I did two workouts today.)

4. Technically, I was in bed at 9:59pm last night, but it had been a long, difficult day and the hubs and I talked until about 11pm. At least I was relaxed and fell asleep right away.

5. Update posted. :)

Aside from all that, I've been having a hard time with feeling kind of blue lately and can't seem to shake it. I have no doubt that part of it is the fact that I've been sleep deprived for so long, but I don't know. Something else feels a little off. Not sick, but just something not quite right. I've been under an unusual amount of stress at work so that's probably part of it, too. I know it will pass, but it's hard to have a positive outlook when things are not just unpleasant, but flat out dangerous. That's a story for another time.

I was supposed to finish grading midterms, but I think I'm going to play around on the internet for a while and zone out before bed. Tomorrow will be a better day. :)

Truckin' Along

2011-10-18T18:35:00.001-05:00

Okay, this whole accountability thing is good for me!

1. Towels were folded and put away last night, sheets were washed and put back on the bed, my bookcase is clean and dusted. Tonight, I'm tackling the top of my dresser.

2. Did Pilates last night. Depending on when the kiddo goes to bed tonight, I'll either do Pilates again or a Firm dance workout.

3. Did not bring lunch to work today BUT instead of going the route of getting something unhealthy, I drove the extra 4 miles to go home and eat a bowl of cereal and some fruit.

4. Got to bed at 10:16pm last night. Not entirely my fault, the sheets weren't quite dry, so it put me a little behind. Aiming for 10pm tonight.

5. Update posted. :)

My kiddo is having a really difficult evening. Something happened at school today, some mixup on the library computer and she accidentally got access to an audio/e-book that was beyond her grade level and scared the daylights out of her. She's been crying intermittently since I picked her up and can't seem to calm down. It's so hard for me to see that she's so upset and nothing I'm doing or saying seems to be helping her feel better. I know she's growing up, but she is and always will be my baby and it hurts to know that she's so scared. I'm kind of mad at the school, but I guess the computer things wasn't really anybody's fault...but of course, I'm the one dealing with the fallout, not the school, so that accounts for the grumpiness on my part.

We'll be doing lots of talking about guardian angels tonight and how they protect her from imaginary witches. (Sigh)

Gittin' It Done

2011-10-17T18:42:00.000-05:00

Well, day one of five is going okay...

1. I folded some towels that were left on the couch and I'm going to straighten up my bookshelf.

2. I have a workout DVD ready to go as soon as the kiddo is in bed.

3. I ate leftover pulled pork chili for lunch, along with string cheese and some fruit.

4. I was in bed by 10:06pm last night. I'm hoping to shave off those six minutes tonight.

5. I'm posting my update. Go me!

Aside from that, though, I have been beyond frustrated at how cluttery my house has been. Working long days, teaching and juggling the kiddo's school and homework is daunting and my house is suffering. I finally told the hubby that I think we need to convert the spare bedroom into an office and get the living room cleared out. The spare bedroom was supposed to be for another baby, but unfortunately, that's not happening anytime soon, if ever, and I think the space should be put to good use. I honestly get angry at the clutter and it messes up my nights. Not good.

We're also desperately in need of new carpet and furniture. Those are luxuries that we can't really afford right now, but on the other hand, I'm also tired of sinking almost to the floor when I sit on the couch. We bought the couch and loveseat seven years ago--it was a floor display at a furniture store that was going out of business. It was pretty abused, but we got a sweet deal on it and it's lasted far longer than we thought it would. I've been flipping through furniture ads trying to figure out what we can afford and I was pleasantly surprised by some of the deals out there. I think with the economy still suffering, stores are trying to lure customers in with good prices, plus with the holidays coming, there are some pretty good deals. I wish we could afford all new flooring, but I think the furniture needs to come first. We'll see. I'm getting antsy and tired of waiting for a "good" time to take care of things. I'm no longer convinced that there's ever a really good time to do anything.

Anyhoodle, that's about it. I have to go clean up from dinner, finish up some laundry and then get my workout in before bed. More nonsense later...

Attempts to Keep My Sanity

2011-10-16T19:09:00.001-05:00

The past few weeks have have proven, once again, that my failure to take care of myself and refill my tank with some "me" time, results in crabbiness, being quick-tempered and generally unhappy. In an effort to start feeling better, I decided it was time to pull out my trusty "Five Things in Five Days" plan that I started a while back...five simple things to do in five days to make me feel better, make my life a little easier, whatever. Here goes:

1. I will clean or organize one thing each day. Not necessarily a whole room, but maybe a cluttered spot. Something easy to tackle that will make me feel good when I'm done.

2. I will get some type of exercise. In the crazy chaos of my days, I've stopped taking care of myself physically and that needs to change. Even if it's a short walk or a Pilates DVD, I will do something each day to get my body moving.

3. I will bring lunch to work each day this week.

4. I will make a conscious effort to be in bed by 10pm each night.

5. I will make a conscious effort to blog each night about how I'm doing with this happy little list.

Let's hear it for accountability. I've posted it, now I have to actually do it!

Time Eater

2011-10-11T20:15:00.000-05:00

I don't know how other people refer to it, but when I'm scrambling to get things done or trying to find time for the things I actually want to do, I always say, "My time is just eaten up."

And yet, who/what is eating my time??

Yeah, that guy holding the fish is totally eating my time.

P.S. I found this picture on the internet when I looked for ugly fish pictures. Because I thought ugly fish were eating my time. But nope, pretty sure it's the dude in the pic, not the beast with the scary teeth.

Wondering

2011-10-01T18:40:00.000-05:00

Last Monday night, I was sitting on my bed, eating candy, icing my badly bruised wrist (whatever, don't ask) and contemplating the major questions in my life. Like...

Would a career at Macy's as a perfume girl been a better option than what I've been doing?

It's fall? How? I thought it was still July!

Why exactly did I ever think it was a good idea to work two jobs?

What's holding me back from having a little more fun in my life?

Am I going to look like Bea Arthur when I get old?

Who really put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop? And who put the ram in the ramma-lamma-ding-dong?

What if the hokey pokey really IS what's it's all about? (This question bothers me a lot.)

Mostly, I wondered how and why I let myself get so tired that I think about such random stuff!

Menu Plan

2011-09-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

I always do better with eating healthy when I plan my weekly menu...it saves money, too, because I know ahead of time what I need to get from the store and there's no last-minute despair if I haven't planned something and no associated guilt for then going out to eat.

Sunday (today)~ Beef tips and mushrooms in gravy, fresh steamed green beans, apple dumplings

Monday~ Baked potato soup with cauliflower puree

Tuesday~ Pork roast with barbecue mushroom sauce, peas, baked apples

Wednesday~ Baked chicken, rice, yellow squash, sauteed pears

Thursday~ Spinach and feta pierogis with peppers

Friday~ Chicken enchiladas

Saturday~ Pizza night!

Unedited

2011-09-05T18:58:00.000-05:00

One last hurrah before Autumn takes away the last of the Summer flowers...

Shoes!

2011-09-03T19:47:00.000-05:00

Since the kiddo started school, I've been on a mission to find shoes for her.

This should not be a difficult task. I love shopping for shoes. However, I have two things working against me:

1. My kiddo does not love shopping for shoes.
2. There isn't much of a selection of wide width shoes in youth sizes.

The past few weeks have been a tremendous disappointment. Over the past 3 years, the only shoes that ever seemed to fit her correctly came from Stride Rite. I was pretty disappointed when the only Stride Rite near our home closed. It's almost a 40 minute drive to the next closest one. But that's not the issue. The issue is that since she graduated from toddler-size shoes to youth sizes, Stride Rite has, at best, a limited and not particularly attractive selection of wide-width shoes. When I took her shopping for shoes a few weeks ago, the young lady measured her feet and said she was a regular width. I was surprised--is it possible for feet to suddenly get narrower? I took her word for it, though, and we got the kiddo 2 pairs of shoes for school. She said in the store that they didn't feel right, but me, thinking "Well, they're new and it's hot and crowded in here," just let it go.

Not a good idea.

Her first day of school, she was in tears as she walked around the house in her new shoes, saying over and over that they were hurting her feet. She slipped off the cute pair of little pewter flats she had on and sure enough, the shoes had CLEARLY been digging into the sides of her feet. I felt horrible.

I also felt pretty ticked off.

We went back to Stride Rite that weekend to have her feet re-measured, and this time, a different young lady measured her feet. And sure enough, the top part of her foot is clearly wide-width, even extra wide depending on the style of the shoe. The rest of her foot is a regular width, which is where the previous sales person had measured.

So...

We spent an hour looking for shoes. Other than gym shoes, they had one style of shoe available with a wide width. And they were navy blue, kind of a standard-parochial-school-type of shoe. In a pinch, it would be fine, I guess, but I wanted her to have more than just a clunky, unattractive pair of shoes. There was NOTHING else available in the store.

We went to Kohl's. They don't sell half-sizes or wide width in the stores. The only wide width available online is another clunky, unattractive pair of shoes.

Payless has one style in wide width.

All the other major department stores have limited wide width. Gym shoes, saddle shoes, and clunky, unattractive shoes. No flats, no dress shoes.

I looked online at multiple sites. Limited to no options.

Please understand that I'm a fan of comfort and function over fashion (and even a bigger fan when function/comfort meet fashion--thank you Aerosoles!), but when my kiddo wears brown slacks and a yellow shirt, I don't think she should have to be stuck with navy blue shoes. When she wears a nice black skirt and a pink blouse, I don't think she should have to be stuck wearing lime green and white gym shoes.

None of the stores I mentioned here have any idea who I am or that I'm disgruntled over this, nor would they probably even care about my frustration, but I just keep thinking that I can't be alone. Other parents must have young children with wide width shoe needs. I understand that maybe it's not as big of a market, but couldn't a specialty shoe store for kids, like Stride Rite, make some cute flats, dress shoes and fashion boots in a wide width for school-age children?

I was doodling some designs for wide width shoes. I have no idea how to make shoes, but I'm thinking I could learn...or maybe convince someone who knows how to make shoes hear me out on this? Right now, my kiddo has to wear gym shoes every single day to school because that's all we have in wide width right now. C'mon...wide width girls of the world unite! Cute, stable, pewter (or black, brown, whatever) flats for everyone!

Trends

2011-08-21T17:15:00.001-05:00

I've never been a fan of the word "trends". To me, "trend" implies something temporary, something short-lived. Like parachute pants.

On the other hand, if something occurs as part of a "trend" and it's bad, the temporary, short-lived thing can be good.

Case in point...

Last year, on the very first day of kindergarten, my kiddo complained of a tag in her shirt that was making her itch. Dear old dad cut the tag out, accidentally cutting two holes in the shirt at the same time. Immediately after, he accidentally hit her in the head with the scissors. Lots of tears ensued and we made the short drive to school with her holding an ice pack on her head.

Now, one incident is NOT a trend. But two? Well, that could be the makings of a trend.

See, today, the day before the first day of first grade, I was helping my kiddo pick out clothes for the week. On a whim, I had her try on her pants--even though we just did this less than two weeks ago--and lo and behold, the pants are too small! But the trend...she was complaining about a tag in a skirt that does fit. I cut it out. And cut a hole in the skirt. Then as she was shimmying out of the too-small pair of pants, she cracked her head on the corner of the foot board on her bed. Lots of tears ensued and she spent the afternoon holding an ice pack on her head.

I think that's a trend. It's only at this time of year that tags seem to be itchier and her head has mishaps. Perhaps beginning a week before next school year, I will hide all scissors and design a bubble-wrap dress and hat for my kiddo.

Growing Up

2011-08-12T18:36:00.000-05:00

My kiddo is growing up so fast.

First grade starts in a little over a week.

And more than half of her clothes don't fit.

I spent the afternoon going through her dresser drawers and closet, making her try on things I wasn't sure about, folding piles of stuff that won't ever fit again...

It's a daunting task. Not just because it's time consuming and tedious.

It's daunting because a year ago, I was doing the same thing in preparation for kindergarten. And I've done it dozens of times over the years, as she's outgrown itty-bitty baby clothes, tiny toddler clothes and so on. I thought it was hard then. I'm finding that it's harder now.

Where has the past year gone?

As I neatly folded the little blue and green shirt she wore on her first day of school last year, I wondered how it is that she has grown and matured so much in twelve short months. She's my little girl and always will be, no matter her age or time or distance between us.

But my little girl is a big girl and I can feel the fissure in my heart getting bigger as I move toward having to let her go and let her grow up. Little by little, day by day, she needs me less.

As we continued to go through her clothes, she chatted excitedly about riding the school bus, something she didn't do last year, as her dad was home and drove her to school and picked her up daily. She talked about meeting new friends and having a new teacher and the wonder of starting school all over again.

Then she threw her arms around me and said, "I wish you didn't have to work. I wish you could just stay home." I swallowed over the lump in my throat and blinked back tears as I hugged her back, silently wishing the same thing.

When I could talk, I said, "You know, if I could stay home, I'd have so much fun getting you up in the mornings and driving you to school and picking you up."

She let go of me for a second, pressed her forehead to mine and said, "Yeah, except I'd still take the bus. Because I'm a big girl."

I kissed her nose. "But I'd like to drive you."

She kissed my nose. "But not driving me and letting me take the bus is part of letting me grow up, Mommy. And I have to grow up, even if you don't want me to."

She has to grow up. Even if I don't want her to.

A Happy Child

2011-07-23T20:39:00.000-05:00

I know some parents have the mentality that it's not their job to make sure their children are happy. If their children are too happy, they aren't doing their jobs as parents. Some parents believe it's their job to make sure their kids are prepared for the big, bad disappointment of the real world. Some parents take pleasure in deliberately making their children unhappy.

I say, "Huh?"

I mean, I'm not a perfect parent and certainly my kiddo isn't happy all of the time...let alone happy with me all of the time. Heck, a few minutes ago, she got all grumpy because I told her it was time to head upstairs for her bath.

But mostly, I want my child to be happy and it's my pleasure as her mother to say and do things that help her feel happy. I don't say, "No" just for the sake of saying it and if I do refuse something she's requested of me and asks, "Why?", I try to help her understand without falling back on the lame-o, "Because I said so."

That's not to say she's the boss of the house. She's not. Not by a long shot.

I don't want my kiddo thinking that she doesn't have a voice. Some parents think that kids shouldn't have any say in the house rules, that kids shouldn't be allowed to make decisions.

I say, "Fooey." My kid isn't going to be the kind of person who has to figure out at age 18 how to navigate life. I find it both entertaining and dismaying when parents just expect their 18-year-olds to be perfect adults when they haven't given their kids a chance to learn what it even means to be an adult. I get the concept of learning through modeling, but kids need a chance to practice for themselves!

My kiddo understands our house rules and why they're in place. We let her have some say in the development of our house rules. Yelling is reserved for emergencies. No hitting, no pinching, no biting, no kicking, no scratching, no screaming...unless someone is trying to kidnap or hurt you, and then that person is fair game for whatever you can dish out. No lying. No secrets. If you're a guest and you think you can get away with saying a bad word or calling someone a not-nice name, you better watch out. She'll be on you in a flash, lecturing you about manners and what is and what is not acceptable in our home.

Granted, it's based on what we as her parents are teaching her. We're aware that she's always watching and listening and learning from us. She's in elementary school, but that doesn't stop me from teaching her about what's acceptable and what isn't. She's young, but it doesn't stop me from sharing some of the details of our financial situation and what we can and cannot reasonably afford. And if there's something she wants that we can't afford, she helps with coming up with a plan to budget for it.

I guess in our home, we try not to say, "No" too often and I'm finding now that when we do say, "No", she takes it seriously. We believe in the power of, "Yes!" and "Sure!" and "Well, not yet, but let's see what we can do." My hope is that by being more cheerful and optimistic than negative, it's teaching her realistic and positive ways to approach real-life problems and come up with solutions. She's started small--for example, she wanted more time to read at night, but I wasn't willing to make her bedtime any later than it was. She came up with the solution of skipping 20 minutes of television and swapping her leisurely baths for quicker showers. Her solution, not mine. I didn't even present her with options. I just said, "Well, what do you think you can change to have more time for reading before bed?" I never implied that she had to sacrifice anything. She gave it some thought and came up with a solution that worked for her. And some nights, when she wants to watch a little television or play in the bath, she knows she gets her regular amount of reading time. She's learning about decisions and actions and consequences.

My hope is that these small decisions now help her make good decisions in the future. Of course, I say that now, but we'll see what happens when she becomes a teenager.

Anyway.

I want my kiddo to be happy as much as possible. Happiness is a state of mind, a feeling, an emotion. Happiness is action. Happiness is whatever we choose to be. Some people think that happiness is random and fleeting and doesn't last. To a degree, I agree with that--I can be happy because of things and events and yes, that's temporary. Real joy, for me, comes from remembering that happiness and experiencing it all over again. That's something I want to teach my daughter.

I want her to know that she should be prepared for disappointment and then choose to be happy anyway.

I think the world has a lot of good and a lot of bad in it and I want her to feel like her parents and her home are where she can run to, no matter how old she is, when things get really hard or really painful. The world and the people in it are going to hurt and disappoint her enough without me adding to it. My kiddo has never flinched in fear or had to hide from me or her dad. She trusts us to keep her safe and not hurt her and I want her to always feel that good about our relationship. It's not to say that we can shield her from everything bad, I know we can't.

Un-Ringing the Bell

2011-07-17T12:36:00.000-05:00

I've heard the saying, "You can't un-ring the bell." Basically, there are some things you can't un-do, words you can't take back, decisions you can't un-make. To me, it translates to regret. I work hard to live my life with few regrets--regret is a time-waster in my world.

But if I could, what would I un-do?

Un-do my snarky comment to my 6-year-old this morning when she was being ill-mannered and too sassy, only my tone was too harsh and made her cry? Un-do the long, arduous day I spent at the in-laws house yesterday? Un-do the last 2 years of financial worries?

Decisions are a big deal in life and I know so many people who are stuck on one decision (or a few decisions) that snowballed into life-changing circumstances and they now bemoan their fate, going on about how if they could "just go back to that one moment and change what I did."

Ummm...no. And why?

Aren't all decisions life-changing, no matter how big or small they are?

I mean, in simple terms, the strawberry milkshake and cheese curds I ate yesterday could be the very things that start clogging my arteries, resulting in a heart attack in 27 years. The blistering sunburn I got at 22 (because I thought I didn't need to re-apply my sunscreen after 7 hours outside at baseball games) could lead to skin cancer next month. Ignoring the chronic UTI symptoms I had 2 years ago could have resulted in bladder cancer taking over my life instead of being caught early.

I believe in the concept of "the butterfly effect". I don't remember the original quote or who it's attributed to (and I don't feel like looking it up right now), but the idea is that the flutter of a butterfly's wings could change the weather halfway around the world. It's not just about the flutter of the butterfly's wings, but all of the circumstances surrounding that nanosecond.

We don't make decisions in a vacuum.

This is not to say that I don't have regrets--I have a few--nor does it mean that I wouldn't change things if I could. But what else would I be un-doing if I went back and changed things? How many lives would be affected by my life-changing decision to go back and change a decision? Everything I do on any given day changes the course of someone else's life, in addition to my own. That's a lot of responsibility to live with on any given day.

Oddly enough, I often give more thought to things I wish other people would un-do than I do to the things I wish I could un-do, and even then, it's usually because I've been hurt or angered by their decisions. I recognize that they have their reasons for their decisions, but it's usually hard to see it in the moment.

I know I wouldn't un-do a friendship that has been way too much work. I wouldn't un-do my beautiful daughter, no matter how sick she's been or how hard her first few years of life were or how scary it is to wait on so many medical test results. I wouldn't un-do a first, hesitant kiss in the dark or awkward hand-holding afterward.

I wouldn't un-do any tears or laughter or heartbreak or anger.

Even if I don't see how it's helpful to me, I can hold fast to the hope that somehow, somewhere, it is or will be helpful to someone.

Shopping

2011-06-27T20:15:00.000-05:00

I've started taking couponing seriously. Not seriously enough to end up on one of those extreme couponing TV shows, but enough that the cashiers at the stores flinch a little bit when I hand over the stack of little glossy papers for them to scan. I've been saving an average of $22.00 per week. I know that's not much in terms of my whole grocery budget, but it's still pretty good. If I didn't have so much going on during the day, I'd spend more time going through sales papers and comparison shopping, but between two jobs and a busy home life, I just haven't made it a priority.

I've also been cautious about clothes and shoe shopping. I was in desperate need of new shoes, and I admit that I spent more than I budgeted, but I was also happy that I got very good quality shoes on sale. When I did my massive closet cleanout, I tried on all of my shoes and any that were too worn out or uncomfortable at all had to go. That left me with no work shoes. In the past few weeks, I bought 2 pairs of heels, 2 pairs of flats and 2 pairs of comfortable/everyday shoes, all Aerosoles. My feet are happy, even though my wallet squeaked in fear when I took the money out.

I also bought 2 blouses and 2 sweaters for work--a necessity since I now dress up almost every single day and I had to get rid of almost all of my blouses. (I had to get rid of them because when I started swimming last year, my forearms bulked up a little with more muscle and the sleeves are too tight.) I got a 30% off coupon and was lucky enough to find some nice blouses and sweaters on sale/clearance--I ended up spending about $30.00 total and saved $110.00. Not too shabby, eh?

Now, if I could just figure out a way to further reduce my utility bills...

Single-Handedly Keeping My Garbage Man in Business

2011-06-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much to say lately, hence, no blogging. I've been in the worst funk for weeks. My days just run into each other between working my regular job, teaching and managing everything that goes along with summer school, organizing the house in anticipation of having to move, and still making sure I'm available to my kiddo. It's really no crazier or harder than anyone else's life, but I'm tired.

As for moving, it's not definite (yet...), but I know we can't stay here. It's been a battle of wills with the spouse as to whether or not we keep the house, but his will is finally being overruled by the reality of our financial situation. I've been cleaning like crazy for the past two weeks and have thrown out so much stuff that I'm stunned. We don't have a particularly big house, but as I look at what I'm getting rid of, I can't believe it all fit in here. Two weeks ago when I cleaned out my closet and my half of the bedroom, there were 6 bags of clothes, coats, shoes, etc., plus 5 bags of stuff to throw away. I couldn't even tell you what all I got rid of, so it must have been pretty insignificant stuff--a heck of a lot of insignificant stuff! It did feel good, though. I'm approaching each room I clean with the mentality of: When did it last get used? Is it needed? Will it fit if we take it to a smaller house? Could someone else get use out of this? Do I want to deal with the hassle of packing and then unpacking it?

While most of the things I'm getting rid of are minor, I'm shocked that I'm getting rid of things I thought I would keep forever! As I look at them, though, I realize they are, after all, just things. I'm allowing myself one storage bin for "sentimental items". Things like a graduation card from my college best friend, a faded ultrasound picture, my first Mother's Day card--things like that I'm keeping. Everything else has gotta go.

I'm not sure if that makes my garbage man happy or sad. I do know that he works hard, but he's really been busting his you-know-what and earning his paycheck at my driveway in the past few weeks. I'm hoping to get in another garage sale sometime in the next few weeks and then maybe we'll just rent a dumpster for a day and get rid of anything else in one swoop.

And I keep telling myself that even if the mister finds a full-time job in the next few months and we end up staying, my house will be cleaner and more organized and free of junk than it has been in years. And that is a good thing.

Hevin Bech

2011-06-03T19:56:00.000-05:00

Heaven Beach.
It was the title of a picture that my daughter made. It was a simple picture, nothing fancy, a man and a little girl walking together with a dog. I thought it was supposed to be her and her dad, taking the dog for a walk. She was quick to correct me.

"No mommy. Heaven Beach is a place where you can take a walk with God and ask Him questions. You know, questions that you don't know the answers to."

I carefully explained that I thought it was a nice idea, but that I also thought it was okay to ask God questions anytime.

She nodded and said, "I know. But when you walk next to God, really walk with Him and pay attention, you'll be able to hear Him answer."

My kiddo often stuns me into silence with her casual but beautiful insights. I'm pretty silent right now.

Age is Just a Number

2011-05-24T19:30:00.000-05:00

One of my friends told me that I'm too young to enjoy Elvis, 60s music, 40s swing, etc. Apparently, I'm also too young to like Stevie Nicks. I disagree. I may be too young or too old for a few things, but not for good music. Never.

Today

2011-05-17T20:36:00.000-05:00

It was an easy decision to skip my workout this evening and instead curl up in pajama pants and an old t-shirt and put this day to bed. I'm sleepy today and looking forward to conking out for the night.

I've been working on getting things together for summer school and doing my best to keep up with housework and laundry. I'm often convinced that laundry breeds when nobody is looking. It's like the gremlins or something--get it wet and it multiplies, feed it after midnight and the evil takes over the household. I'm pretty sure Stripe lives at the bottom of the dirty towel bin.

I decided today to take two weeks off work later this summer. I believe I haven't taken more than a straight week off since I was on maternity leave and my kiddo is now six. It occurred to me that I have almost 8 weeks of vacation hoarded and I need to take some of it. Money is scarce, but I'm hoping to get in a real family vacation. Nothing over the top or fancy, probably a distance that we can reasonably drive and no 5-star accommodations, but just to get away. I'm hoping that putting some physical distance between me and everything here that I'm worrying about will be helpful.

Our hopes for selling the house are mostly dashed--it seems like the housing market is starting to recover in some areas, but not here. There are homes in our neighborhood on the market for $50-70k less than what people paid for them 10 years ago. So discouraging. The only alternative is the for the hubs to find a full-time job. After 23 months of not having a full-time job, something has to give. He's got a lead on a job that would start with the new school year and we've got our fingers crossed. It's so hard to understand how a well-educated academic professional can't find work, but competition is intense. I've heard that there are often anywhere between 300-1500 applicants for a single position in a school district in this area.

I'm keeping my hopes up that things will work out. I tell myself that things DO work out and they WILL, one way or another--not always the way I want them to, but I'll make the most of whatever the outcome is and travel that road when I come to it.

I wouldn't mind if that road led to some lottery winnings or a big bag of money landing in my lap. Just sayin'. Of course, with my luck, the bag of money landing in my lap would be attached to cinder blocks and break my legs or something. 'Cause that's just how my luck usually rolls.

But anyway, just for today, I'm going to push some of my worries aside and daydream about a vacation. My kiddo has expressed interest in riding a roller coaster. I haven't been on a roller coaster since I got married--the hubs is really afraid of heights and won't ride them with me. At this point, I wonder if I'd get sick riding one? I hope not. I kind of like that adrenaline rush and would so enjoy sharing that with the kiddo. Off to dream about roller coasters and the beach...

Well Then!

2011-05-14T21:09:00.002-05:00

Can I post now??

Well, apparently, I can. The hubs downloaded a new toolbar which lost Java which then meant that the previous blogger settings wouldn't allow me to post.

Anyway, I've lost several decent posts. Just my luck that I was in a mood to write and couldn't. And tonight, I kind of don't feel like writing.

But I do have a picture...

Yay for birthday parties! And yay for cake!

Hello?

2011-05-03T20:46:00.003-05:00

Excuse me.

I'm trying to find myself.

Any idea where she is?

She's about this tall...brown hair...brown eyes...a deep wrinkle between the eyebrows...I know she's around here somewhere.

Ever get that feeling? Like you've gone missing, even though you're right there?

Normally, May is a good month for me--birthdays to celebrate, flowers blooming, a break between the spring semester and summer session, nice weather. The last few days, though, I've been in a sour mood. I thought it was because I was sick, but I'm feeling better and still crabby. Thankfully, it's early in the month, so if I'm going to have a few off days, better to have them now and get them out of the way.

On a happier note, I've been working out a design for my kiddo's birthday cake. It's a ladybug theme with sunflower accents.

That sounds funny, doesn't it?

But birthdays are serious business in this house, which means the birthday cake is serious business. I think I'm going to go with two tiers of yellow cake, light green tinted icing and a big ladybug on top, with tiny ladybugs and icing sunflowers on the sides. It should be fun! The party is next weekend, and by now, I usually would've done a trial run with the cake, but I can't seem to get caught up on anything these days, so I'll be winging it the day before.

The way I see it, people usually like cake, so even if doesn't look like I'm hoping it will, at least it will taste good. Yay for cake!

A Brand New Day

2011-05-01T08:09:00.001-05:00

A little Sunday morning pick-me-up:

I'm feeling better knowing that my kiddo is (mostly) okay.

The beast of a cold that I have is starting to ease up.

The sun is shining.

It's a brand new day...

Enough

2011-04-30T13:56:00.002-05:00

I've had enough health and financial concerns in the past few years...no more, please!

First and foremost, my kiddo does not have leukemia. There is no way to describe the relief I feel about that. It's scary how a range of symptoms can mean anything from life-changing to nothing. She was having abdominal pain for a while, but when she started running a low fever and having upper-left-side pain and leg pain, the symptoms pointed to leukemia. The one thing working in our favor was that she's kind of at an "in-between" age, and leukemia tends to hit earlier or later.

Which means nothing, of course. Just ask any parent whose child has cancer.

After all her tests and labs, this is what we know--iron, protein and potassium are low. She still has symptoms of an ulcer. And her allergies are bad. Her current course of treatment includes prescription-strength antacids and antihistamines, along with recommendations to increase her meat intake and making sure she gets vitamins everyday. All of it is manageable and we are very, very fortunate. We follow up in a month, at which time, we'll re-evaluate whether she needs an endoscopy. I hope not.

For now, though, we've dodged a pretty scary bullet and can get back to the business of worrying about everyday stuff. The hubs applied for 5 jobs last week...nothing so far, but we're hopeful. God has a funny way of providing when it seems like we're about to hit rock bottom and I have faith that one way or another, things will work out. They always do, even if it's not the way I want them to work out!

Unknown

2011-04-23T11:09:00.003-05:00

When it comes to me and my health, I don't like the unknown, but I tolerate it. I haven't done much in the way of following up on the dizziness, etc. I'm not blowing it off, but putting it off to focus on whatever is going on with my kiddo.

Kids get tummy aches, I know they do. But kids should not have tummy aches that leave them doubled over in pain, gasping for breath and trying not to cry. I feel horrible because the first few times she complained about a tummy ache, I gave a rather typical mom-response..."Try to go to the bathroom." My kiddo looked up at me and growled, "It's not that kind of tummy ache." Blamed it on stress, blamed it on the school lunch, tried to ignore it, but after a few days, it became obvious that it wasn't any of those things, it wasn't fake and we had no idea what was going on.

Our pediatrician, who I love (and I mean that, I love him like family), saw her last week, gave us some suggestions and said he'd see her in a week. We saw him yesterday and he didn't like what he saw/heard. She's feeling worse and the pains are getting more intense and he can hear abnormal sounds in her abdomen. He can't feel anything when he examines her, so he decided it was time to start investigating further. He sent us over to the hospital for tests--and I felt so guilty in the waiting room, knowing that the tests are needed, but trying to squelch the worry about how we're going to pay the bill when it comes.

Our hope is that it's just a little dysfunctional part of her bowel, moving out of sync, which can cause quite a bit of pain. Nothing can really be done for it, but it's relatively harmless. Doc has no reason to believe there's an obstruction, but he's checking for it. Also checking for a range of infections and disorders through labs. His concern right now is whether there's an ulcer, ulcerative colitis, Chron's Disease, Heaven forbid a tumor or something equally insidious. He's hoping--we're all hoping--that it's nothing and all these tests are nothing more than a precaution.

But I don't know how to get rid of that nagging fear that something could be seriously wrong. I'm trying to give it over to God, but there's a part of me that would also like to kick God in the shin if He showed up in my living room right now.

This is not the worst thing that could ever happen and I know that. And mostly, things are fine. But it's amazing how fear can clamp down and take a stronghold when the future is so uncertain. I'm trying to find joy in small uncertainties in life (a challenge for me), but this is a little too uncertain. So, we wait and find certainty next week when the test results are in.

Looking forward to a quiet weekend and Easter. Hoping the same for everyone else, too.

The Results Are In

2011-04-12T17:17:00.003-05:00

First, when I typed "results", I had a fit of giggling, thinking about an e-mail where someone repeatedly typed "resluts" instead of "results"--when referring to a children's dance team. Cracked me up.

Anyway.

I got the results of the MRI of my brain. Here's what a normal brain MRI looks like:

Interesting, huh? You can see all kinds of stuff in there!

So...here's what mine looks like:

Haha! Before anyone gets upset about me making fun of the hubs, please refer to my earlier post where he said that with his luck, the MRI would show a picture of him as the cause of my dizziness/falling. I did pick an un-flattering picture--but it shows him for the goofball he is. Trust me. He is a goofball.

So...actually, the MRI came back normal, which was encouraging. Nothing scary like a tumor or MS. It didn't show any problem with my inner ear, either, which was surprising.

So, now we look at "minor" causes of the problems I'm having and it's pretty much narrowed down to three things. It could be a problem with my blood sugar, stress, exhaustion or any combination of those three. I'm inclined to think it's all three. I've had blood sugar problems for years--not diabetic or hypoglycemic, but other weird issues where it suddenly gets too high or too low. I've been under a lot of stress. And I barely sleep. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that I've been dizzy and falling over. My fuzzy memory recently could also be directly related to any of this stuff, especially exhaustion, though I was cautioned that because I have severely low "good" cholesterol, that could also play a role in memory problems. See? You learn something new every single day.

To combat this, whatever it is, I'm vowing to get back the pool. I haven't gone in a month and I think I need to be good to myself--swimming is good for me physically and psychologically, so I should do more of it. I'll get my blood sugar tested again, too, just to be safe. And at least for tonight, I'm going to go to bed an hour earlier. Of course, one day of changes isn't enough, so I need to be more diligent.

Which brings me to...Five Things In Five Days!

1. Go to bed an hour earlier than "usual".

2. Go to the pool at least twice a week and take a walk at least 2-3 times a week.

3. Eat every 2 hours like I'm supposed to so I avoid highs and lows in blood sugar.

4. Eat almonds daily to help with my good cholesterol. Take my Omega supplements, too.

5. Not bring any work home with me this weekend.

I'll see how I do!

Impatient Patient

2011-04-05T20:32:00.003-05:00

I'm (im)patiently awaiting the results of my MRI. I went last week and learned two things about having an MRI done on the brain:

1. If you are claustrophobic, you will either completely freak out when the techs immobilize your head and clamp the heavy grate over your face OR you will suddenly figure out how not to be claustrophobic anymore.

2. It is possible to fall asleep while having an MRI done.

In the first category, I had some anxiety. I don't like being restrained in any manner whatsoever AND I don't like small spaces. I had no idea what I was in for. I freaked out a little bit at first, but did some deep breathing--then that metal thing locked over my face and I thought I was going to cry. Instead, I made a freaky sound with my mouth and growled, "Hellllooo Clarice..." a la Hannibal Lecter. It made the techs laugh.

In the second category, yes, I did end up dozing off for a few minutes. I kept my eyes closed because I didn't want to see the thing over my face or how small the space was. Between that, the deep breathing and then the rhythmic hum of the machine, I fell asleep for a few minutes.

So, now the question is, is there anything wrong with my brain? I doubt it. I was hoping to get a call from the doctor's office today with results, but no luck. I'm thinking if it was bad news, they would have called me by now. I'll be really intrigued if it turns out to be nothing more than an inner ear problem. If it is, how do I fix that so I quit falling down? Maybe an ENT will have some answers? I'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself.

The hubs said with his luck, they'd complete the MRI and a picture of his face would pop up, indicating that he's the cause of my mental fogginess, dizziness and stumbling. :) Never mind the fact that I'm just tired. I wonder if that could be the diagnosis? I would write a check for another office visit co-pay to have the doctor write down, "Dx: Freakin' Exhausted." I wonder what the insurance would pay for that??

I Knew It!

2011-03-28T20:42:00.002-05:00

I really get a kick out of making bad jokes about my job. My job is the most amazing, fulfilling and agonizing thing I've ever encountered--outside of parenthood, that is. Last year during a Knights of Columbus fundraiser, I was walking a radius around the office building outside carrying a container and asking strangers for spare change and giving them a Tootsie Roll in return. As I sweated out there in the afternoon sun, I thought, "I always knew if I worked in social services long enough, I'd end up on a street corner asking strangers for money." When I moved from my badly overheated and windowless office to a nicer, upstairs office with FOUR windows, I thought, "I always knew if I worked here long enough, I'd end up on the second floor." Today, as I sat in the doctor's office after work and he told me he needed to get an MRI of my head, I thought, "I always knew if I stayed in this line of work, I'd need to get my head checked." Funny! Well, the part about the MRI isn't so funny, I guess. I fell down at home yesterday and cracked my head on the wall. Even worse, I was holding my kiddo when I fell and she hit her head, too. We're both totally fine, but I went to the doctor and explained that I had a wave of dizziness right before I fell. He thinks it might be an inner ear problem, because he tried to get me to stand perfectly straight in the office and I almost fell again. Curse vertigo! I learn something new everyday, though. I had no idea that an MRI of my brain would show a problem with my inner ear. Fascinating!

Almost a Decade

2011-03-27T19:09:00.001-05:00

Our ten-year wedding anniversary is creeping up on us. I'm stunned...amazed...maybe a little horrified. Okay, not horrified. :) Impressed might be the best word. Anyone who knows us would probably agree that us making it to ten years seemed highly improbably since the day we walked down the aisle. But that's us. Defying the odds since 2001.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Stress...Tastes Like Chicken

2011-03-17T20:27:00.003-05:00

Old, gross chicken. Actually, I've never eaten old, gross chicken, so I guess I don't really know if that's what stress tastes like.

What I do know is that stress leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And that, my friends, is directly related to heartburn. Nothing seems to help it these days. I'm pretty sure the only thing that will eventually help is reducing my stress levels.

I don't know how people live with so much stress. I really don't. I've been working hard to take things in stride and not freak out (too much) about things that are not in my control. It ain't easy. My crusty, rusty armor is finally cracking. I know I'll cope with it and manage as best as I can, because that's what I always do, but...well, "but" what? I don't want to. I don't really feel like coping and managing. It would be pretty neat to just dump my worries and troubles on someone else and let that person fix it.

I've also learned that stress leaves me feeling incredibly tired. Or maybe I'm tired because I'm working 60+ hours a week. I suppose that might have something to do with it!

Hmm. Kind of a downer post. I need to lighten up a bit. This makes me smile...

Hardy Har Har

2011-03-07T18:13:00.002-06:00

I'm going to start this post by saying something that I know is not true.

God is having a good laugh at my expense.

Okay, I don't really believe He's laughing at me, nor do I really believe that He's the cause of my recent troubles.

I do believe that my frustration is getting the better of me. I can get pretty emotional and irrational, just like anybody, but most of the time (whether it's because of my job, being a parent or whatever), I do a good job of being even-tempered. It's not always easy, mind you, but I manage fairly well.

Lately, though, I've been pretty testy, feeling down in the dumps and very anxious. My boss got snarky with me last week and I don't respond well to personal attacks. So, I've been letting myself stay irritated instead of getting over it. Not long after that, my husband found me crying on the couch at 4am. Crying? Yes, crying. I was crying because I was so exhausted and could not sleep. And I could not sleep because I hear the incessant noise in the pipes that right now, we really can't afford to fix. But we have to fix it, because very soon, we need to get this house sold (or the hubs needs to find a job ASAP). And who's going to buy a house with a noisy plumbing issue? Then I get all anxious about that, on top of everything else I'm anxious about--work, home, finances, gas prices, health insurance (you know, things that lots of Americans are facing on a daily basis). Anxiety is no fun, let me tell you. I walk around with a near-constant weight on my chest, that weird feeling in my head and a slightly foggy mind. Then I get mad at myself for being anxious. Mad at the economy. Mad at the hubs for not having found a job. Mad that the housing market stinks and even though we need to sell our house, finding a buyer is going to take a serious stroke of luck with so many homes right on our street in foreclosure.

Mad that my life isn't what I planned for or hoped for right now.

Mad that it seems like I have to accept that part of adulthood is trading in the dreams I had for the reality that is mine right now.

Mad that I can't seem to relax. Ever.

I get grumpy about it for a while and then just figure out how to move on. It's not like my circumstances are going to change overnight. Unless I win the lottery. Or a very, very wealthy relative (or random stranger??) decides to give me a bunch of money. Not likely!

On the bright side, spring is right around the corner and crocuses, daffodils and tulips will be blooming shortly. I typically have a nice floral display in the front yard. Maybe that'll be a good selling point in another month or so?

Here and There

2011-02-28T18:49:00.002-06:00

Let's see...random stuff today:

My kiddo lost her first tooth last Friday night! Actually, let me re-phrase. My kiddo pulled out her first loose tooth last Friday night! It was barely hanging on and she was anxious about letting me or her dad tug it out. We each tried, but she started to panic. I suggested she grab hold of it with a paper towel and pull it forward--she did and it popped right out! She's so proud of herself and that missing-tooth-grin is adorable.

Last Wednesday, I enjoyed a night out with my sister watching Pete Yorn. That man can sing. And his instrument work--wow. The night was almost (almost!) ruined by a scary envelope I pulled out of the mailbox that afternoon.

I got home from work, opened the mailbox and froze. Inside was an envelope and the first thing I saw was the green triangle in the upper left corner. Hottie Doc's office label. I'd had my scope on the 9th, no reason to think anything was wrong. Except for the fact that they send out samples every time I go in for a procedure. I tried to calm my nerves, telling myself that if it was really bad news, they would have called and told me to set up an appointment. My hands were shaking so hard I could barely open the envelope. There was a note inside letting me know to call the office.

First I giggled, thinking about what I would have given a decade ago to get a note from a doctor with his number, asking me to call him. Then I felt the dread rise up. Was the cancer back? Did the lab find something new? What was it?

I picked up the phone and started dialing, then hung up. I was getting ready to go out and if it was bad news, I didn't want it to ruin the evening. So I went out, had a drink with my sister, waited through one "okay" and one "barely mediocre" opening act, then got down to the business of enjoying the really good music. Thank you, Pete Yorn, for taking my mind off the cancer fears.

Thursday morning, I did call the office and was relieved to find out that they did not find cancer cells. They found some abnormalities, which at this point, is almost routine for me, but they had some concerns that things were more unusual than usual, if that makes sense.

Cancer is a strange thing. Even when it's not there, it's always present. The worry and concern, the fears and "what ifs"...they linger. And not like the sweet flavor of wine on your tongue. More like the stench of a nasty dog fart. Cancer sparks a negative reaction--every twinge, every time I feel something funny, any pain or burning in my bladder, pressure or swelling, any ache in my flank or kidneys, my first thought is no longer about a pulled muscle or a UTI. It's always, "Is the cancer back?" I'm comforted to know that my feelings are not strange and thankfully, my doctors take me seriously when I say something doesn't feel right.

What else? Oh, a plumber is coming out to the house tomorrow. A few weeks ago, there was a faint hint of water hammer, but it's now becoming a major nuisance What started out as a quiet, intermittent tap in the pipes in the master bath is now a whole-house clanging whenever a toilet flushes or the water runs. Even worse is the incessant knocking in the wall behind the toilet, about every 4 seconds, which kept me up most of the night. There's no obvious leak (thank goodness!), but I'm worried about what's going on. I bled the pipes twice and the knocking actually stopped while the water was shut off, but then started up again shortly after putting the water back on. The water level in the toilet tank keeps dropping, too, which seems to indicate that we need a new ballcock (um...yeah...who thought up that name??), but I'm afraid there's something more going on. So, we'll see what the plumber says tomorrow. Of course, it's an expense that we can't afford right now, but I figure I'd rather pay for the service call and get a minor problem fixed than risk it turning into a major super-expensive repair down the road.

So, that's it. And that's probably enough for now.

Old Dog, New Tricks

2011-02-16T21:18:00.004-06:00

I've decided it's time for me to learn a foreign language!

I took Spanish for 2 or 3 years in high school. I don't remember...it was a long time ago. I also took a year of Spanish in college and a year of conversational Spanish at work. After all of that, I can ask a few basic questions and give some simple answers. Things like, "Where is the bus?" "Where is the beer?" And the most important, "Where is the bathroom?" I can also ask, "Where is George?" I can give my name and age and I can say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak Spanish."

So no, I'm not going to go back and learn more Spanish. Truth is, I don't use it often enough and I tend to forget what I've learned.

I thought about sign language. That would be very beneficial in my line of work. But I don't have money to take the classes to be a certified translator.

The foreign language I'm learning? Well, it consists of one word and one phrase.

Word: "No." This is a very foreign word to me and I have a hard time pronouncing it, let alone saying it with any real conviction. This will take a lot of practice.

Phrase: "I love you." The only time I don't choke on it is when I say it to my daughter. But I mean it when I say it. I need to practice saying it out loud more often.

This should be an interesting endeavor.

Any new languages you're learning?

Different Kind of Education

2011-02-10T20:13:00.002-06:00

In general, I'm pleased with the fact that I have a graduate degree. I worked hard to get it. But there are some things that my education did not prepare me for. Not even close.

My education did not prepare me for coping with the things I see and deal with on a daily basis. I manage them, because that's my job, and of course because I'm in a helping profession and I WANT to help people. Most days are pretty good. Difficult, but fulfilling. Other days, not so much.

Education does not prepare people for the emotions that rise up at the sight of a toddler with a battered, broken body. There's no way to prepare for the sensation of her hot, damp forehead under your fingertips, as you brush her hair aside, wishing you could also brush away the fever burning as her brain swells and bleeds through multiple skull fractures. Education doesn't prepare anyone to see broken ribs gently rising and falling as a ventilator pushes life-saving air, circulating blood through her weak body. Hazel eyes swollen shut. A gash across a tiny nose. Small hands curled into smaller fists. The rhythmic beeping and pulsing of machines that are doing the work for her.

The machines beep prayers in perfect cadence with the people in the room. "Please. Please. Please." The whooshing of air whispers, "Breathe baby. Breathe baby. Breathe baby."

No amount of education prepares you to see a child, broken at the hands of the people who are supposed to love and care for her the most.

There is love in that room. Love from people who don't know that child. There are prayers for healing. Prayers spilling in as word travels about the horror that brought her to that hospital bed. Education doesn't prepare you for the kindness of strangers.

Education doesn't prepare you for the moment of fluttering eyes or the struggle of cracked lips tugging upward into a tiny smile when she hears your voice. Education doesn't prepare you for the moment her fingers curl around yours, hanging on so tightly that it takes you by surprise.

No textbook, no exam, no pop quiz or project or presentation ever taught me anything about the resiliency of the human spirit or the miracle of healing. And yet, those experiences have been and continue to be the most important education of all.

Re-Post: The Things We Carry

2011-02-08T22:03:00.001-06:00

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Things We Carry

I read a book over the summer that was titled The Things They Carried. It was written by Tim O’Brien and it’s not like a regular novel—like with a clear beginning, middle and end, an obvious protagonist and antagonist. It’s a collection of mini-stories as part of a bigger story, and it’s all about a platoon of American soldiers in Vietnam. I was sitting at my desk this morning, mulling over something my husband said to me last night that hurt my feelings, and for whatever reason, I started thinking about that book. It occurred to me that we all have things that we carry with us…some good things, some not-so-good things, some things that keep us going when the roads we travel are fraught with darkness and misery. Some of the things we carry are physical in nature—maybe a St. Christopher medallion for a safe journey, a piece of jewelry or a lucky penny. Some of the things we carry are more emotional—a kind word from a stranger, a hurtful comment from a loved one, a glowing memory that we cling to, in the hopes that someday we’ll feel that good again. And all those things—the things we carry—make us who we are.

I carry a lot of things with me—memories, both good and bad, old hurts (see my earlier post on the trouble I have with forgiving people), hopes for the future. All of those things affect who I am and I really believe that I’m okay with that. And yet, every now and then, there’s something that sticks with me, something that just won’t let go.

It started with a comment from my husband—not the one from last night, but from a long while ago—and it was something on the order of, “Your knees are always bruised.” And they are. I swear, my knees are forever black and blue or that funny brownish-yellow color that bruises become when they’re healing. My knees are always bruised. At the time, I laughed it off, but the words did sting. Why? Because he had no idea why my knees were bruised. He had no way to understand how the bruises got there or what they meant to me. At that time, he was working a job with crazy hours, which meant I was the one who always got the short end of the stick when it came to daily chores and responsibilities. Simply put, I was the one on my knees giving baths, on my knees cleaning up the floor from dinner, on my knees scrubbing barf out of the carpet when the baby didn’t like dinner, on my knees pulling toys from under the refrigerator and the couch, on my knees, on my knees, on my knees.

And during that same time, I was on my knees in church, praying to God to help me find the strength that I knew I had somewhere deep inside of myself to keep managing an unfortunate series of events that tainted the joy of my baby’s birth and was ultimately a very sad, very dark time in my life. What kept me going was the time I spent in prayer—the hours on my knees brought me back from what was the closest I had ever been to the “edge” as it’s called when someone feels like if one more thing goes wrong, the only option is to run away screaming.

I spent a long time carrying a heavy heart and a mind full of things that I would rather have forgotten. I spent even more time carrying around the agony of wondering what might have been, what could have been, what should have been, what will never be the same ever again…

Fortunately, I spent the most time carrying the knowledge that God wasn’t going to give me more than I could handle—and even if my knees were bruised from the crushing pressure of my world when I was balanced on them in prayer, they were still supporting me. God was still supporting me.

Looking back on it, I tell myself that the bruises on my knees are nothing more than God’s fingerprints. Like “Footprints in the Sand” when the man looked down and saw only one set of footprints and realized that God had been carrying him, I see my bruises as proof that God was (and is) cradling my knees in His hands. The bruises are proof that He’s leaving His mark.

I saw a sign a few weeks ago that I’ve modified into a prayer. I think God appreciates a little humor every now and then.

Lord, I pray that I always remember when things are not going as I would like, I remember that while You may not get in touch with me through e-mail, You always hear me when I send up a message via knee-mail. Amen.

My House is a Portal to Hell

2011-02-06T12:50:00.003-06:00

Okay, not really. Just feels like it sometimes.

Water in the house right after we moved in.
Frozen sump pump line (over and over and over again).
The time the smoke detectors went berserk.
Ghosts under the bed (long story on that one).
Appliances that randomly go crazy then go back to normal.
Field mice.

The field mice are a new addition. In the middle of the blizzard on Tuesday night, there was a loud pop from the basement, that turned out to be a seal around (I think) the electric meter. There was snow in the basement.

It never occurred to me that field mice would find their way in through that crack. It occurs to me now that they're IN MY HOUSE. I bought a bunch of traps last night and I'm pretty sure the cashier thought I was preparing for armageddon.

These mice are something else. Just hanging out, making themselves at home. I strongly suspect there was a nest outside--the dog had been going crazy trying to dig under the fence and deck for over a week and I'm wondering now if she could smell it. Anyway, I clobbered one with a shoe last night. I squealed like a little girl and made my husband take it outside. Caught another one in a trap shortly after that. There are a few more lurking in the basement. They will soon be caught, too. Hubs is going to try to seal the crack--hello steel wool and cement. If it looks like something more than just the crack or if we find a nest, then I'm calling for professional reinforcement. I have never used an exterminator before, but I'm thinking a professional will know better where to look and exactly what to look for and seal any other cracks or gaps that might be along the foundation.

This is the first time I ever wanted a cat. I'm seriously considering borrowing a cat from a friend and letting it stay overnight in the basement. Pretty sure that would take care of the problem!

It's Like Being a Kid Again!

2011-02-03T09:54:00.004-06:00

Snow days. I remember having them on exceptionally rare occasions as a kid. At work, typically if the weather is severe, day programs will close so the clients don't come in, but staff are still expected to report to work.

I did not have to report to work yesterday. Or today. Not one, but TWO snow days! This is unprecedented, never done before in the history of my agency.

When I got the news last night that we would be closed again today, it was because even though the main roads are mostly clear, the side roads are still terrible and our parking lots are inaccessible. Every time I look out my window at the 6-foot snow drifts, I'm very glad that I didn't have to go out and navigate the roads to work. We didn't even get a plow down our street until dinnertime yesterday. I will say, however, that I don't mind, because ambulance/hospital routes were a priority. I don't know if it's true, but I heard that plows were dispatched with any 911 calls so emergency personnel could get to homes/businesses as needed. If that's true, I think it's awesome.

So, I'm using my snow days to relax, unwind and catch up on some stuff around the house. I also think I might be fighting off some sort of bug, because I've been weridly tired--no, not tired, more like fatigued and exhausted--for the past few days. The extra rest is nice.

That being said, I think I'm going to go lay down on the couch.

The Week So Far

2011-01-27T20:05:00.003-06:00

I'm very happy tomorrow is Friday. So far this week, I've fallen in the garage, dealt with a rat issue at work, spilled peach yogurt on a white sweater, fell in the snow, fell on the ice, fell out of my office chair...

There seems to be a "falling" theme here.

Can't wait to see what the weekend brings!

Memory Keeping

2011-01-24T20:31:00.003-06:00

Most of the time, I think I'm a pretty good friend. I'm there for the people I care about, genuinely want them to be happy and will give of myself unconditionally to help them reach their goals and be as content and happy as they can be. Historically, I have a very small group of friends. I'm not really a social butterfly--I prefer to surround myself with people I know very well and who know me very well in return. My inner circle of friends may not actually be friends with each other, but they are my friends, and I love them fiercely.

Which is why it hurts so much when someone decides not to be part of that circle anymore. Even worse when they take off with no explanation. I worry and internalize enough to wonder if I said or did something wrong.

Friends break up all of the time and certainly no explanations are necessary. I guess I just feel that after years of sharing hopes, dreams, laughs, tears, worries, fears about the future, regrets about the past, hope for what might still be, sharing hugs and high fives, using each others' shoulders for crying and ears for listening...when you connect on that deep level, it just seems like there should be something, even just a, "Hey, nice knowing you, but I'm outta here."

This happened to me once before with someone else and I was sad for a long time. I'm feeling that same old sadness as I silently bid farewell to someone who's obviously already long gone. I have lots of good memories of what, for a while, what I thought was a rock-solid friendship.

There's a poem somewhere about friends coming into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Looking back on it, the signs were there that it would not be a lifetime friendship. I suspect it was a reason for that person, a season for me...and I know that I will take those lessons of friendship and carry them with me for my lifetime.

And even if I don't feel like I'm okay with it now, I believe I'll be okay with it later.

Uh?

2011-01-21T20:46:00.005-06:00

So, I had this great post started in my head, but now that I'm sitting here, I can't think of what I was going to write. It's been one of those days. Um weeks. Months? Months is probably the most accurate.

My dog is having a hissy fit and I'm really annoyed by her whining. If she wouldn't have chewed on my shoe, she wouldn't be banished to the basement right now. Of course, it's like her own little palace down there with her food and water and Ikea rug and toys and blankets. Crazy dog. She's really just whining because she wants my shoe.

Mmm...what else?

It's really cold here. Really, really cold. I like the cold, but this is the kind of cold that HURTS. I walked across the parking lot at work and couldn't feel my face when I got into the building. My kiddo took her gloves off for about two minutes and now has chapped, raw skin on her hands. (FYI: Aquaphor is healing it up really fast.)

I've also learned that I need to NOT eat fast food. It's gross and makes my tummy hurt. I hardly ever eat fast food, today was an exception and I'm sharply reminded why it's a rare exception. I do not feel so well. Ick. I'll be drinking lots of water to make up for the salt intake and swimming some extra laps to burn off the calories.

Speaking of swimming, I went to my swim class last night. I really like the instructor, but she's a tyrant (in a good way!). We ran drills for 45 minutes. My arms and legs are so sore today that if I was in a bad B-horror flick, I would have to just lay down and let Freddy, Jason or whoever get me. I don't think I could get my muscles to work well enough to even try and run away. I need it, though, because I want to try the endurance clinic in the spring and those are two-hour sessions. Why would I do that? Well, mainly just because I want to see if I can do it. The other reason is that the park district does have a swim team...and I'm giving a teeny, tiny bit of consideration to joining. Very teeny, tiny, but we'll see how it goes. That wouldn't be until fall, so I've got lots of time to try and get ready. I'm not a fast swimmer, but I'm getting better.

Anything else? Not really. I think that since it's so quiet around here for a change, I might crawl into bed early and read a book. That sounds like a good plan.

A Message From...?

2011-01-13T21:05:00.002-06:00

I think the universe is trying to send me a message. For the past 8+ months, I hear the same two songs every single day, without fail, often back-to-back. They're not current, popular songs, so it's not only weird that I'm hearing them so frequently, but also hearing them so frequently together or very close together. I mentioned it to one of my friends the other day and she asked me how on earth I managed to pay attention enough to realize that I've heard them both daily for so long.

Well, I heard them back-to-back on the radio back in early May after a really good day, and as I was driving home, I remember thinking that I really like both songs and it was a nice way to end the evening. And then I thought it was funny when the next day on my way to work, it happened again. That evening on my way home, I heard one of them, and then the next morning on my way to work, I heard the other one. And during the day, I heard both of them again. I thought it was funny and a little weird, so I switched radio stations in my office--to a country station--only to hear a country re-make of one of them. That stopped being funny and was just plain weird.

And every day since, I hear them.

First song? "Collide" by Howie Day.

Second song? "Come On, Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson

So, what is the universe trying to tell me?

Mundane Monday

2011-01-10T18:49:00.002-06:00

Not too much going on around here today...pretty quiet. My kiddo was sick earlier, so I left work around lunchtime so I could be home with her. The hubs is teaching an afternoon class and today was the first day--not a good idea to cancel class. It worked out, though. I had a nice afternoon, just hanging out with my girl. I don't think the chocolate chip cookies I made will do much for her upset stomach, but she only ate one. We'll see what happens. Her energy level seems to be up a little bit, so hopefully she's on the up swing and can go back to school tomorrow. I really felt bad about it today. She woke up around 4am complaining of a tummy ache. She was up for a little while, but went back to sleep. This morning, she was a little pale and tired, but I got her up for school. The hubs asked if he should keep her home and I was like, "Nah. She can go. Besides, she can't keep missing school, blah, blah, blah."

Suffice to say, they didn't make it out of the driveway this morning. That was a little "mommy oops" on my part. Ah well.

Tonight, I have to catch up on a few things for work since I missed the afternoon, then have to get things together for the class I'm teaching this semester. This is the first time in a LONG time that I'm only teaching one class. I'd been teaching 2-4 nights per week and I decided it was just getting to be too much. This will be a nice change.

As an added bonus, since I'm not teaching so much, it means I have more free nights and I'm taking a swim class on Thursday nights starting this week. I'm looking forward to getting into the pool again. I haven't gone in at least two weeks and I'm feeling it--especially around the waistline. Eeek! All those holiday calories (you know, the ones that I try to pretend are imaginary) have done some damage. The good thing is that I dropped a pants size a few months ago and gave away my too-big clothes. I have no option but to keep myself in check, because I don't have anything bigger to fit and I sure as heck can't afford new clothes!

That's it. Looking forward to a quiet evening now.

Finding the Good

2011-01-07T19:18:00.002-06:00

I had one of those weeks where I understand why people in helping professions feel like their jobs are thankless. I'm proud of the work I do. It can be exhausting and emotional...and yes, sometimes thankless.

I've had things thrown at me. I've been questioned about my motivations for trying to help abused children. I've been told that 6 sessions of therapy should be more than enough to help someone deal with the trauma of sexual abuse. I've been called the c-word (no, not "cute"). I've been told that after someone commits suicide, the surviving spouse needs to just "get over it." Lives of co-workers have been threatened by a violent criminal.

Those things happen on a weekly basis. No joke.

And yet, in between, I find time to laugh with my co-workers. And cry sometimes, too. And find the spark in a little boy's eyes--the same eyes that only weeks ago were vacant, emotionless, feral. And see a woman cautiously lift her head to make eye contact after months of being locked inside of herself after a brutal assault from someone who supposedly loved her.

And I find time to think about the small miracles that happen around me every single day.

Farewell 2010

2010-12-31T15:48:00.002-06:00

I'm a little stunned that today is the last day of 2010. I feel ready for 2011, but the past few months went by very fast for me and I'm trying to figure out if there's any dusting I need to do behind me before closing the door on this year. I suppose even if there is some cleaning up to do, it doesn't really matter after I shut the door on the year. Well, theoretically, anyway.

I've been wrapping my head around the number of things that have gone on in the last several months. Lots of ups and downs. I'm riding the waves pretty well, if I do say so myself, but the constant roller coaster is making me a little motion sick.

There's nothing new on the cancer front. Strangely enough, I have mixed feelings about it. I mean, it's not like I want the cancer to come back--gosh NO! I just know that I don't feel right, even now after finishing the antibiotics for the infection I had. The tests aren't showing anything new, nothing better, nothing worse. I just have a nagging, low-level feeling that something isn't right. I'm sure I'll feel better after my next procedure--the doc will either find something then, or he won't and maybe I can brush off this anxiety and convince myself that it's all in my head.

I'm wishing I had some plans for New Year's. I asked my husband last week if we could do something either New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. His version of "something" and my version of "something" are two very different things...he's inviting his friends over to play cards tomorrow and I'm cooking for them. Not quite what I had in mind to celebrate! But on the up side, I'm making a devil's food cheesecake with whipped cream frosting. Yay for dessert! I'm also making soup, chili and enchiladas. I do enjoy puttering around the kitchen, so something good is coming out of it. I guess once the guys start playing cards, I'll retreat and watch a movie. Good time for a chick flick!

Stay-cation

2010-12-21T18:55:00.002-06:00

I'm off work for the next few days. Not going anywhere, just hanging out at home. Tonight, I've been busy making peanut-butter-truffle filling. The house smells yummy. Tomorrow, I'll get up and head to the pool for a short swim, then get home to take care of some cleaning; hopefully the kiddo will be feeling better and will be able to help with baking some cookies.

And...I have to finish Christmas shopping. I haven't been feeling great lately and I'm not motivated to battle the crowds. Most of the shopping is done, only a few more gifts to get, but I just don't feel like going. I'd much rather lay around and read one of the books I've got from the library. Maybe have a glass of wine, too.

I have some medical appointments coming up this week, lots of labs to have done, but by Friday, it'll all be out of the way and I can get down to the real business of Christmas...and that involves making baked potato soup and a red velvet cheesecake!

I was thinking earlier that we were supposed to be going to Disney World this year for Christmas--turns out that we can't quite swing that on one income! Maybe next year? I guess we'll see. For now, I have to go check on my peanut-butter-truffle filling. And try not to eat any yet!

It's True, I DO Want a Bladder Infection

2010-12-13T18:56:00.002-06:00

About two weeks ago, something felt a little off. Nothing I could put my finger on. I woke up one morning and noticed the slightest change--barely noticeable, much like the carefully shifting cylinders in a lock. Something was clicking in my body. A sensation of things falling into some kind of predisposed pattern. I felt something going on.

I shook it off. I'd been sick for quite some time at that point with a case of bronchitis that was lingering. I'd been on several different meds and I brushed my concerns away, blaming it on my body being out of whack.

But the uneasiness persisted.

I know my own body and I knew something felt off.

Last Friday, I noticed an uncomfortable sensation in my bladder and my pants felt uncomfortably tight. There was a dull ache in my kidneys. And there was some swelling in my left leg. My blood started running cold. They were all the same symptoms I had a year and a half ago. I tried to quiet my nerves, telling myself maybe it was just a UTI, a bladder infection, maybe a bladder infection that was creeping into my kidneys.

I couldn't help it. I started to cry. Just an infection, I prayed. Please. I want to have a bladder infection, nothing more.

I made myself go to work, but I called my primary care doctor's office the minute they opened. My own doctor is on maternity leave, but the doctor who has coordinated all of my care, fought with the insurance company and provided all of my referrals--he was there that day. In a shaking voice, I asked for the nurse. I got her voicemail and left her a message about my symptoms. I found myself trying to reassure her on the voicemail, saying I was sure it was just some early symptoms of a bladder infection. Could the doctor send me for labs and call in an antibiotic? Or would I have to come in for an appointment?

She called back a short time later. No appointment needed, they didn't want to waste time. Go straight to the hospital for labs and they'd call me with results as soon as they were in.

I went to the lab, peed in the cup and then just waited. I wanted to make them analyze it right that second, but I knew I'd have to wait. It takes a few days to culture and stain it. I spent a lot of time shopping and spending money on Christmas gifts this past weekend, trying to distract myself from the anxiety of waiting.

Today, the nurse called me at work. There is an infection. A raging infection. She was faxing the order for an antibiotic to the pharmacy as she was giving me the results, telling me that I needed a double course and then I'd have to repeat the labs because... She didn't finish. I waited for a heartbeat before asking, "An infection. And?"

There was a pause. Silence. Then she asked me when my next appointment is with Hottie Doc (my term for the good doctor, not hers). I swallowed hard. "First week in February for my next scheduled procedure. Do I need to get in sooner?"

She was very kind. She said not yet, they don't want to make me needlessly worry. For now, I need the antibiotics to clear up the infection. My body is doing nothing to fight it. I don't actually feel sick, I'm not running a fever, nothing. She told me to prepare to feel worse before I feel better. Fair enough. I can handle that. But the repeat labs? Is it just to make sure the infection is gone? Or is there something more?

Some cells, she said. Unusual, a little abnormal. No clear cancer cells, but some things the doctor wants checked after the infection is gone. If the results come back the same, we'll get you into the specialist sooner.

The cells popping up are identical to the cells that were passed in 2009. The same cells, the same symptoms, the same blood in my urine that landed me in Hottie Doc's office. Hottie Doc monitors me very closely and during the last two procedures, he's looked even closer for something, anything unusual. The blood popping up in my urine had him worried, but he couldn't find anything. He's been hoping it's nothing. I've been hoping it's nothing. He commented that my body is sensitive, so there might be something going on--something on a cellular level that they can't see yet. If there is something, it'll make itself known.

Right now, I'm hoping nothing is making itself known. I'm hoping I have just a bladder infection. A bladder infection would make me very happy right now.

Weathering the Weather

2010-12-09T20:04:00.002-06:00

I like living in the midwest. I appreciate the changes in seasons, but the weather can be extreme sometimes, can't it? A co-worker shared that on a busride to Minneapolis (with around 40 physically handicapped clients), they rode through an ice storm and then through tornado-like weather. I say tornado-like because they didn't actually see the tornado, but the sirens were blaring and they saw a cow that had been lifted off the ground by the wind. That's some midwest weather for you.

Right now, it's snowing like crazy and my neighborhood is blanketed in white. The commute to work tomorrow will be interesting. And dangerous. Dangerous because the streets were coated in ice before the snow started falling. Eeek.

Black Friday

2010-11-26T20:03:00.002-06:00

My plan for today was to buy a 2-carat diamond bracelet from Macy's. Do I have any need whatsoever for a 2-carat diamond bracelet? No, of course not. I was going to buy it because it was on super-sale for Black Friday for $99. And there's a small part of me that wanted to know what it was like to have 2-carats of anything on my person. And other than work clothes, I have not spent any money on myself since getting promoted. In all honesty, I just wanted to splurge. I actually went online last night and added one to my shopping cart. Second thoughts crept in, though, and I didn't actually buy it.

Today, after doing 3 loads of laundry, cleaning all the bathrooms and mopping the floors, vacuuming the stairs, cleaning the kiddo's bedroom and changing sheets, I thought, "What the hell?" And I went online to finish my purchase.

The bracelets were sold out.

It wasn't meant to be, I guess, but I was still pretty bummed.

In reality, $99 buys more than a week's worth of groceries and I do have to go grocery shopping tomorrow or Sunday. I'll feel pretty good about that. But I know I would have felt even better if I was grocery shopping with 2-carats of diamonds on my wrist.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T20:58:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting here at the end of the day, quietly contemplating all that I'm grateful for this year.

(23) My health. The cancer has stayed away and this past July marked one year of being cancer free. That by itself leaves me feeling overwhelmingly thankful.
(24) Self-discipline. There are a lot of things that I don't feel like doing, but I do them anyway. If I skipped even five things a week that I didn't feel like doing, life as I know it would fall apart pretty quickly.
(25) My job and health insurance. 'Nuf said.
(26) Our military men and women who are busy at home and around the world to keep safe. And our local community service providers--firefighters, paramedics, police, etc.--who do so much for us.
(27) God. Even when I'm mad at Him.
(28) Family. I just wouldn't be at this same level of crazy if not for my crazy sisters.
(29) Friends. One good friend in particular who gets me in a way that no other friends have since I was a kid.
(30) Aflac. People say supplemental and disease-specific insurance is silly, but I was diagnosed with cancer at 31, so I say it's a good thing. And with what I've received from them after filing my cancer claims, my policy has paid for itself more than ten times over.
(31) My amazing daughter who I love with my whole heart.
(32) And my husband, who I still love, even when I feel like punching him. Like right now.

Many wishes for a safe, peaceful and blessed Thanksgiving to everyone.

Restless

2010-11-22T20:48:00.002-06:00

I just randomly changed my blog design. I like it.

The pace I've been running at lately is getting out of hand and I've been left with a nagging feeling of restlessness and resentment. I'm good at multi-tasking, but honestly, things are starting to slip through the cracks. I'm forgetting small things, but some of them are important. That bothers me a lot, and people who know me well know that my memory is pretty sharp. It's disturbing that I find myself losing my train of thought or forgetting things that need to be done. I suspect that lack of restful sleep is a big part of it. I haven't been able to really rejuvenate in a while. I have a few days off this week for the Thanksgiving holiday, so I'm hopeful that I can get in a few nights of good rest.

There have been a lot of arguments in my household lately. I think that's where the tug of resentment is coming from. Personalities and priorities have been clashing quite a bit in recent weeks and part of me feels like a good fight would clear the air. I feel like if I could yell and scream a little (or a lot), maybe, just maybe I would feel heard. Maybe I would finally feel like what I say is important. Or even if not important, at least somewhat valuable.

I was thinking about my faith recently and how God tends to work in ways I don't understand. I remind myself to duck, to get out of the way and let Him come out swinging for me, but I haven't been so good at that lately. I drag myself up too soon and He ends up smacking me in the back of the head. I do kind of have a headache tonight. Just sayin'.

Right now, I have a kiddo who wants to snuggle with me and that seems like the perfect way to end this not-so-perfect day.

Serving the Veterans Who Serve Us

2010-11-15T17:57:00.004-06:00

As the daughter of a U.S. Army Veteran, I was raised with a keen awareness of the sacrifices our military men and women make for our country. Last week, on Veteran's Day, I was driving back to work after lunch when I went past the local funeral home that was conducting the services for a local fallen soldier. I drove past just in time to see the casket exiting the building. The gleaming hearse was open and waiting. Hundreds of people hovered nearby, including the dedicated motorcycle riders who stood as silent guard, giving the family privacy. News helicopters hovered in the air. Throngs of people lined the streets for miles, silently waving American flags. Children carried signs, thanking this young man for his ultimate sacrifice.

Tears were abundant...my own included.

The irony did not escape me when I remembered that I would be giving a presentation on a new project for work. The funding would go to serve U.S. Military veterans who are homeless and mentally ill. This is a general transcript of my presentation:

Good afternoon, my name is Martha and I’m the Director of Behavioral Health at [x] Services. I’d like to thank everyone here today for the opportunity to present our proposal for a new project.

Some of you are familiar with [x]’s Behavioral Health program, but for those of you who aren’t, our department serves individuals who are homeless and mentally ill. Many of these individuals also have substance abuse treatment needs. These individuals have long, often decades long struggles with their illnesses and have lived in shelters and on the streets, have gone un-medicated or under-medicated, with long histories of psychiatric hospitalizations. Some individuals go years without even being diagnosed, until perhaps some type of tragedy or near-tragedy occurs and they are hospitalized. Many have been institutionalized or have been served in nursing homes.

Part of this population that we serve includes U.S. Military Veterans. These veterans struggle with the same issues that I just mentioned, but their struggles are unique, in that they’re often accompanied and compounded by service-connected disabilities, as well as combat-related traumas. Historically, this has been an under-served population—lack of funding, lack of available local resources and services. Many of us have seen and worked with older veterans. It seems like there’s a stereotype of Vietnam veterans struggling with their illnesses, but the truth is that it goes far beyond a stereotype. Years go by and, we see the need for services continuing to increase, from veterans who fought during the Persian Gulf War, as well as now, as our veterans return from overseas assignments, including Iraq and Afghanistan. Individuals may not be getting mental health services for any number of reasons, including fear of stigma and lack of available services. Waiting lists for medical care, substance abuse treatment and mental health care are common.

For this new project, we are proposing to serve additional veterans in our program. We have a history of cooperative relationships with [y] Substance Abuse Treament Facility, the Veterans Assistance Commission and Hines VA Hospital. We receive referrals from these agencies, but we also get referrals from community outreach and shelters, as well as cold calls from individuals who desperately need services.

As part of this project, we will provide rental assistance, along with mental health and rehabilitation services. We have solid working relationships with over 70 landlords in the [z]County area, who provide us with safe and appropriate housing for the individuals served in our programs. The individuals we hope to serve in this project will have an opportunity to select a home—it may be an apartment, a duplex, townhome or house, depending on the needs and choice of the individual. Their choice may be related to wanting to be close to family, close to transportation, close to work, or any other number of factors. Once they select their home from what is available at that time, they’re provided with necessities upon moving in, including furniture, bedding, kitchen and bath items, toiletries and other items they may need to get started in their new home.

All of this is fantastic, but it’s not just about four walls and a roof. While we believe that having a home is an integral part of managing symptoms and recovering from the effects of long-term mental illness, we do recognize the actual value of housing stability and what it brings—a permanent address, in some cases reuniting families, and the comfort of actually having a place to call home. We also know that services are critical in ensuring the success of the individuals we serve. Veterans served in this project will have a case manager and case worker who provide case management services—assistance with benefits and entitlements, assistance in accessing medical and dental care, accessing educational and vocational resources, as well as any other resources the individual may need.

Additionally, veterans will also have access to an array of mental health services that are tailored to their individual mental health needs. There’s no cookie cutter treatment. We serve individuals, and as such, their treatment plans are individualized. We recognize that mental illness doesn’t occur exclusively in-office between 8am and 4:30pm. That’s why our staff provide community support and in-home services. We work with people on everything they may possibly need—independent living skills (budgeting, cooking, home care, personal hygiene, time management); we work on symptom management (recognizing triggers, identifying and coping with symptoms), managing psychotropic medications (understanding what they’re taking, what it’s for, how to self-administer, understanding dosages, storage and safeguarding of medications), socialization skills (communication, assertiveness, building relationships), adaptation and functional skills (problem-solving, stress management, anger management, self-esteem managing feelings), and also education and work-readiness. We will help them with transportation, making and keeping appointments and we will strive for them to be as stable, independent and self-sufficient as possible—and we provide the services to get them there.

In addition to those services provided by our staff, veterans will also have the option of therapy and psychiatric care. While some of our veterans choose to receive their services through Hines VA, they are aware of and always have the option to access our on-site therapists and consulting psychiatrist.

Another unique feature is that veterans may also choose to participate in our on-site PSR program (psychosocial rehabilitation, which is psychiatric day treatment). PSR staff will help these veterans with the same issues that our CH staff work on in their homes, but these services are more intensive and provided in a group setting by trained staff. The peer support is valuable, and for many individuals, including those we hope to serve with this new project, it helps in avoiding psychiatric hospitalizations, as they are receiving daily psychiatric treatment, but in an OPT setting.

Our agency also provides crisis intervention services and all individuals, including these veterans that we're hoping to serve, can access a crisis worker or our consulting psychiatrist after-hours through our department’s crisis line.

That’s a summary of we already do, and what we hope to continue to do with this new project. Our new project includes leasing and operational costs. Support services will be provided through DMH funding/MRO billing—so we are not asking for any administrative costs as part of this proposal.

We already serve a population of veterans and it would be an honor to serve additional veterans, especially considering all that they have done to serve us.

I'm proud to say that we're getting the funding. Here's to our veterans!

(I encourage you to scroll down on the left side of my blog to pause the music, and then watch this video. Many thanks to the veterans who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.)

Ummm...

2010-11-11T19:55:00.002-06:00

Sorry, couldn't think of a title. It's been quite a week and I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday!

Saw Hottie Doc on Monday and was so glad that everything came back fine. He's funny--he walks in the room, all happy and perky, getting everything ready for the procedure, asking how I am. My response? "Look Doc. It's Monday morning. I'm wearing a black sweater, black knee socks and no pants. And you're about to violate my bladder with a video camera. The way I see it, my day can only get better from here."

Work has been crazy busy, but I'm not complaining. It certainly beats the alternative! The only problem I'm having right now is that I've been so sick! I can barely keep up during the day because I'm so exhausted. Even after a full round of antibiotics and prescription cough medicine every night, I just can't seem to shake this bronchitis. It's annoying, the cough keeps me awake when I should be sleeping and it wears me out during the day. Booooo.

I've got a post started about Veteran's Day...not done yet, but hopefully I can get that posted tomorrow. Should be a little more meaningful than this mindless rambling.

Up Close and Personal

2010-11-07T18:32:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow morning, I get to see my *favorite!* doctor for my 3-month cancer check-up. Good old Hottie Doc will be poking around my bladder with a video camera to make sure I'm still all clear.

Have I mentioned how much I dislike these appointments? Uncomfortable, embarrassing and kind of painful. Awkward, to say the least. It ain't normal for someone to be all up on my insides like that. Way too close and way too personal.

But on the up-side...and there's always an up-side...I'll be done by around 8:45am and the way I see it, the worst part of the week will be done! AND I can totally trump anyone else at work who complains about not having a good Monday morning. Boo yeah!

Flu?

2010-11-02T18:10:00.003-05:00

I haven't had to deal with a flu virus in 9 years. The last time I caught the flu, I was knocked on my behind for a week. I hadn't gotten a flu shot since then.

I am knowledgeable and practical. I am fully aware that I cannot get the flu from an injectable flu vaccine. The virus is dead and all it does is cause an immune response to then protect me if I'm exposed to the live flu, right?

Well, I got a flu shot this year. I did it in support of my little girl, who really needs a flu shot every year because of her breathing problems. I got my shot maybe 4 weeks ago.

Since last Friday night, I've been a big ball of pain and fever. It hurts to move. It hurts to talk. It hurts to breathe and blink. Can't eat. Keep coughing. Sore throat. No stuffy nose, which is good. All I want to do is sleep. I have not been to a doctor, but I'm pretty sure this is a flu bug. It's not a cold, that's for sure. And I need to get well by Monday, because I see Hottie Doc for my next bladder scope and I can't get it done if I'm sick!

I cancelled class tonight and I'm giving serious consideration to taking the day off work tomorrow so I can just rest. In fact, I think I might take a hot bath and then go to bed. A 7pm bedtime tonight sounds good.

The Scent of a Man

2010-10-16T10:34:00.002-05:00

I thought about my grandpa today.

I had no good reason to think about him. He has, after all, been dead for almost 25 years. But I thought about him just the same.

This past week has been difficult--my emotions are all over the place--and at times like these, for whatever reason, I think about him.

I don't think about his last years, when cancer ravaged his body. I barely remember how he looked at the end. "Sickly" comes to mind when I think about his final days, but those aren't the days I remember.

Today, and like other days when I think about him, I remember him as a giant of sorts, vibrant, healthy, with a robust and contagious laugh. I remember his hands, holding me tight and swinging me toward the sky, flinging me in the air...flying toward space, then hurtling toward the ground, and a moment before hitting, those same hands scooping me up, bringing me in and crushing me to his chest for a bear hug.

I remember him telling me I was pretty.

He was the first person to put me in touch with my imagination--we used to build towers and castles out of beer cans. He was also the first person to ever tell me that I was so full of shit that my eyes were brown!

I remember sitting on his lap, feeling safe. Never before and not since have I ever felt that secure in a man's arms.

I remember feeling like a co-conspirator when he would do something silly...like the time he was grilling chicken in the backyard and dropped a chicken leg into a pile of dirt. He looked around, bent down and picked it up, then motioned for me to follow him. He swept me into the kitchen laughing and said, "Watch this!" He rinsed the chicken leg under cold running water, then shook it off and put it on a plate. He winked at me, picked me up, and said, "Don't tell your grandma. She doesn't need to know." Then he proceeded to walk back into the yard and hand the plate to my grandma. She ate the chicken.

I thought about all of this today in the early morning quiet while I pushed my cart through the grocery store. I had a small smile on my face, reminiscing, when it hit me. It was like I had run full-force into a concrete wall.

I smelled him.

I don't remember my grandpa wearing cologne, but I remember what he smelled like. And that scent, the first scent I associated with a strong man, hit me from all sides. I wanted to look around, but forced myself not to, knowing full well that grandpa wasn't there. I don't know who or what it was, but his scent was there.

I yanked my cart and hurried away, tears welling in my eyes. I kept my head down, knowing if I looked up, the tears threatening to spill over would start flowing. I paid for my groceries and made my way across the parking lot, the sun bouncing off my tears, making me see strange, diamond-like prisms.

When I finally pulled myself together, I got myself home, put away the groceries and then sat down to write this and it occurred to me that while he taught me much about great love...he later taught me much more about great loss.

I miss him.

My Life's Savings

2010-10-05T22:44:00.001-05:00

I think when most people hear the phrase, “life’s savings”, they usually assume it refers to money or assets. For example, “I put my life’s savings towards a down payment on a house.”
For me, it’s a little different. It seems like I’m always saving something. I’ve been saving my entire life. If I was a bank, I’d be full of all kinds of assets. From the time I was a kid, I was always being told to save something.

• Save your money for a rainy day.
• Save this, someone might need it later.
• Save that, you might need it later.
• Save your breath, don’t argue with me.
• Save your energy, don’t waste my time.
• Save…
• Save…
• Save…

I’m always saving something, and as I get older, the messages I’ve always heard have been internalized. I now have my own messages about saving and sometimes, they go to the extreme.

• Save my money.
• Save my vacation time.
• Save the pink sweater—don’t wear it and I won’t ruin it.
• Save wedding dress.
• Save the red lipstick for a fun night out.
• Save my tears.
• Save my love for someone who wants it.
• Save the memory that hurts too much to remember, but would be agonizing to forget.
• Save the sweet memory that makes my heart flutter.
• Save the manicure for another day.
• Save the hateful letter that crushes my self-esteem every time I read it.
• Save the pretty blue underwear for a special occasion.
• Save the trip, the cruise, the WHATEVER for another time.
• Save my hopes and wishes.
• Save my prayers.
• Save someone.
• Save myself.
• Save a life.
• Save the world.
• Save more.
• Save…
• Save…
• Save…

And yet, when I think about it, what exactly am I saving for? Is life itself not a special enough occasion for pretty underwear, a pink sweater, red lipstick and a manicure?

Is my time not valuable enough for me to take and enjoy?

At what point exactly did I become a deposit box, unwilling to draw from my own assets?

Save the excuses. Save the lists and reasons for another day.

Random

2010-10-03T15:05:00.004-05:00

I would really enjoy a vacation right about now. Autumn is here, the weather is cooler, leaves are changing colors, Halloween is coming...it's all good stuff that I'm enjoying, but a vacation would be so nice. If circumstances were a little different, I would take my kiddo to Maine next weekend, just the two of us. She has a long weekend (no school on Friday or Monday), airfare isn't too bad right now and we could spend a few days in a small town, enjoying the local culture. Unfortunately, my own work schedule doesn't allow for that at the moment, nor do finances. I remind myself that life won't always be like this--things will settle down and some sort of normalcy will return.

Everything else is about the same. I spent most of my weekend preparing for and cleaning up from the hubby's poker gathering. A lot of effort goes into those little parties, but everyone seems to have a good time. I usually do the cleaning and cooking, then do my own thing while the guys play. They were out in the garage last night, I worked on some sewing in the dining room after the kiddo went to bed, then went upstairs and read The Bridges of Madison County for probably the 458th time. (I adore that book.) In any case, it was nice overall. The hubs has a birthday on Monday (35!) and I thought it would be nice for him to celebrate with his friends. He enjoyed it.

Today I did some chasing, bought a few things from Kohl's--all things I currently need, no wasteful spending here! Actually, I bought a night shirt, an undergarment and two tops, and I paid ten cents. No kidding. I had some Kohl's cash and a gift card and after those were processed, I handed over a dime from my purse and was on my way. Nice!

I'm going to Trader Joe's in a little while and I'm hoping to keep that under $40. I don't get paid until Friday and I know I'll need gas for my car, so I just have to figure out how to balance that out.

I don't need to do any cooking tonight. There are leftovers from last night's gathering, so it'll be spinach salad, chili, enchiladas and apple crisp. And cupcakes for dessert.

It occurred to me that the holidays are just around the corner. Halloween is in a few weeks, followed by Thanksgiving, and then Christmas will come roaring up, too. I started thinking about Christmas shopping and I'm getting ideas for the kiddo. She doesn't ask for much and it's always fun coming up with ideas for what to get her. This year will be no different.

Let's see...anything else? Oh, my dog had surgery on her paw last weekend. That was an unplanned (and expensive) event. She was digging in the yard and got a claw hooked on something--split and fractured it deep into the skin. Tomorrow will hopefully be her last post-op visit.

I think I'm going to be Wonder Woman for Halloween this year. THAT should be fun. I'm also making an octopus costume for my kiddo. Hilarious!

These Days

2010-09-26T19:26:00.002-05:00

In spite of some hardships and regular complications, I have a simple little life. And that's okay. I would like it, however, if things stayed mostly simple and less complicated. This weekend, like most weekends, went by far too quickly and I can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that it's already Sunday night. I punked out on most of the household chores, but still had plenty to keep me busy. Lots of errands, swimming lessons for the kiddo, cooking a big dinner and making chocolate chip cookies, an emergency trip to the vet with a little surgery for the doggy's paw...little things that quickly add up, and then POOF! It's Sunday night.

As of right now, I technically have three jobs. (Gulp.) I've been with my company just about ten years. I've moved up through the ranks since my days as an intern, and this past Monday, I started a new position--thanks to a promotion--as a Director in our mental health program. Very exciting. But my previous position hasn't been filled yet, so I'm doing that job, too. I'm director of the outpatient, psychosocial rehab, 24-hour group homes and veterans programs...plus doing all my previous duties, i.e. managing all the clinical treatment for every client in the program and doing quality assurance stuff. AND I'm teaching on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

I'm looking forward to December. I plan on taking a week off to sleep.

I guess my point is that just like most folks, these days are busy. I miss blogging and I miss catching up on everyone else's blogs, too. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, I'm just tired and I see so much other stuff that needs to get done. I need to tell the dirty dishes and laundry to quit their hanky-panky and stop reproducing when I'm not looking. How is it that there's always dirty stuff, even if I've already taken care of all of it? Eeek.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have to get my notes ready for class this week and I need to dust in the living room and dining room. More nonsense later.

Small World

2010-09-13T18:25:00.001-05:00

You know those moments that occur--moments where things suddenly fall into place, moments beyond any real explanation, other than that it's providence, and Providence with a capital P! Today, one of my coworkers was not feeling well and she mentioned, a little too casually for my liking, that she was having crushing pain in her chest. She's a young lady, a mere 27 years old, with no history of heart problems, but I was not playing around.

After all, I was a mere 27 years old when I had crushing chest pain and my kiddo was only 5 days old and I was seeing my short life flash in front of my eyes.

I had the receptionist call 911 while I took care of her, and when the paramedics showed up, I was giving them a quick history when I made eye contact with one of them (who appeared to be supervising two student paramedics) and had an immediate flash of recognition. Those eyes. Blue. So blue. Piercing, almost fake looking, and almost creepy if not for the merriment that dances in them.

It was the same paramedic who took care of me that scary night, a little more than five years ago, when I had crushing chest pain and an erratic heartbeat. The same paramedic who lifted me off the floor, held me up with one hand and changed my clothes with the other hand, and so gently got me up onto the gurney and out to the ambulance. The same paramedic who came back and checked on me every single time he came back to the hospital that night. The same paramedic who has, since 2005, inspired me every Thanksgiving to send cookies to the local fire departments, thanking them for their dedication and service to our community.

I felt so good knowing that my co-worker was in his very strong and very capable hands.

And if that's not a clear example of God (or Jesus, or Angels or Guardian Angels or however you want to define it) at work, then I don't know what is. Wow.

Blank

2010-09-03T21:04:00.003-05:00

I've been sitting for about 10 minutes, staring at a blank screen and trying to remember what the heck I was going to write about. It's been a wacky week and I've been so scattered I can barely keep track of my own thoughts, let alone anything else.

I'm in the running for a promotion at work, which is both exciting and anxiety-provoking. There's some tough competition from within my own department. I'm doing what I can to prepare--my transfer application is in, along with my updated resume, and I've got three letters of recommendation in the works. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens.

Things at home are pretty much the same. Kiddo is doing fairly well with adjusting to school. She likes her teacher, has made some new friends and really enjoys all the different classes and activities. However, she hates eating lunch at school. This week was better than last week, but she's still struggling. She lost a little over three pounds because she was so anxious during lunch that she just wasn't eating. We've been working hard to help her get over that hump and it looks like it's working.

Hubby is still not working. I never really thought that 14+ months after losing his job, he'd still be out of work, but he is. This is our last month of COBRA and we have yet to find insurance coverage. I know that if we go without insurance for six months, he and the kiddo will qualify for the new state transition insurance...I forget what it's actually called, but basically, it's kind of a hold-over for people like us, who aren't able to get affordable coverage anywhere else. The problem we run into over and over again is issues with pre-existing conditions. When we first started looking around, I thought the insurance companies couldn't do that because of HIPAA, but HIPAA only holds water when an individual is moving from one group policy to another group policy, not a group policy to an individual, private policy. Booooo.

Hmmm...anything else? Oh yeah. My hair. It's getting a little too gray for my liking. I think the stress of the past year has something to do with it. I was brushing my hair yesterday morning before work and was puzzled as to why a few sections were growing in so light--my hair is a medium brown with some hints of red and blonde, but this was a much, much lighter shade near the roots. Then I realized it wasn't light. It was gray. I bought some root touch up and used it last night. Thank you, Medium Golden Brown Root Touch Up for making my hair look normal again.

Tonight, I'm hanging out at home, irritated and in a bad mood overall. I really wanted to go swimming last night, but there was an outdoor concert at the stadium next to the park district pool and there was no parking. Tonight, there was a football game and again, no parking. Although tonight, there were a bunch of jerks tailgating and hogging anywhere from 2-4 parking space. So irritating. We're paid members for the aquatic center and couldn't even get in to use our memberships. I'm hoping to get to the pool tomorrow. I haven't gone since last Saturday--I swam 46 laps--and I miss it. It's honestly the best stress reliever for me. For that little while, it's just me and the water. No worrying about money or work or insurance or cleaning the house or anything. All I hear is the sound of my own breathing and the rush of the water. Best therapy in the world.

That's it, I guess. I'm glad it's a long weekend. I'm hoping to get some work done in the garden, taking the kiddo and myself for haircuts tomorrow, baking for a party the hubby is going to on Sunday and then getting ready for class next week. I suspect the weekend won't be nearly as relaxing as I'm hoping for, but I'll make the most of it. Maybe one night I can squeeze in a few hours of fun time and meet friends for a movie or drink or something.

Or maybe I'll just catch up on sleep. That would be good, too.

Ghosts

2010-08-29T16:50:00.007-05:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I believe in ghosts. I'm not really convinced that all ghosts have evil intentions or that they're trapped and can't cross over. I do, however, believe that there is a spirit world that exists in harmony with ours, just sort of in a different dimension. I also believe that some people are more sensitive than others when it comes to seeing the goings-on of the spirt world.

I believe that we don't necessarily seek out spirits, but sometimes they seek out us, for whatever reason. And every now and then, I see something that reinforces that. Kiddo and her dad went to the Field of Dreams in Iowa yesterday. I would like to say that there is nothing wrong with my camera. All pictures taken before were normal and all pictures taken after were normal. So how do you explain the small haze in each of the following pictures? (You can click on any of the pictures to make them a little larger for a better look.)

Her left foot...

Her left foot again, going up toward her knee...

Center of her tummy...

Her upper left chest...

Center chest...

Center of this kid's back...

Moved off to the left...

Now, I'm sure there probably is some sort of semi-reasonable explanation, but I think I'm going to choose to believe a less-reasonable explanation.

Hello?

2010-08-25T21:01:00.003-05:00

It looks like I need to dust off this blog. It's been kinda desolate around here.

*crickets chirping*

I've been a terrible blogger...so many posts started, none of them finished, and even worse, no real motivation to even attempt finishing them. My lack of blogging has a lot to do with the fact that there hasn't been too much going on. Just hanging in there for the most part.

My baby girl started kindergarten last Friday. Her first day started with her dad cutting a tag out of the back of her shirt, resulting in two holes, and then hitting her in the head with the scissors. It was a rough morning, but she was able to relax and enjoyed the ride to school holding an ice pack on her head.

Overall, she's been enjoying kindergarten, other than the part of having to eat lunch in the cafeteria. She's a slow eater and having a lot of trouble adjusting to having only 30 minutes to eat. She had major meltdowns the last two nights at bedtime because she doesn't want to eat lunch at school. She loves the rest of it, just not the eating part. Tonight was better and she's sound asleep now. It's been a hard adjustment for me, too. I went back to work today after a few days off, and I just kept thinking about her, how her day was going and whether she was doing okay. I also kept daydreaming about the things I'd be doing if I was able to be a stay-at-home mom. Honestly, it brought a smile to my face to think about catching up on laundry, cleaning, planning dinner, etc. I like that domestic side of myself and would love it if I had more opportunity to let that side thrive.

So, if anyone would like to provide me with the financial backing to be a stay-at-home mom, I'd be all over it. Really. And I'd make cookies for you, too.

Maxed Out

2010-08-15T11:07:00.002-05:00

The amount of cooking I do is a direct reflection of the amount of stressful events in my life. On this glorious Sunday, I'm making peach cobbler, apple crisp, ham and potato casserole, pork chops, chicken sausage, zucchini and eggplant, maybe some asparagus and...and...I don't know what else yet. What I do know is that there will be plenty of leftovers for lunches and dinners this week.

I think, at least for me, there's therapy in routine and keeping my hands busy. It's a good distraction and keeps my mind occupied with simple tasks, so I can't freak out over anything else.

There's really nothing new going on, I just think in the past few months, everything has been catching up with me. I also thought I was coping pretty well, rolling with things as much as I could and taking everything as it comes. This week, though, I just felt that beginning hysteria--you know what you've finally had enough and you start giggle maniacally because you don't know what else to do? Wait. Does anyone besides me do that? Maybe it is just me. But whatever.

I went to the doctor because my knee was bothering me. The whole joint was tender and there was a noticeable lump on the side of my kneecap. Golfball-sized. The doctor gave me some info while I've been waiting for the x-ray results and I made the mistake of doing some online research. Do you know that if you search for something like "cyst on knee", "lump on kneecap", "painful knee" or any other combination of words, there will be at least a dozen hits telling you that you have some terrible disease and you're going to die? Thank you, internet, for freaking me out. I'm over it now and just waiting to see what the doctor is going to say. Best case scenario is that it's a little arthritis and bursitis. Worst case scenario (aside from the whole terrible disease and death thing) is that I may have a small tear in the meniscus, which is leaking fluid and causing a cyst to form. Neither situation is great, but both are certainly manageable.

There is a little light in all of this wackiness--I got a letter in the mail last week from Aflac--the supplemental insurance company with the goofy duck on the commercials--reminding me that I have a yearly "bonus" of sorts in my cancer-care plan. They were reminding me that there was money waiting for me! All I had to do was fill out a form, have a doctor sign it, and they cut me a check that, for us, will cover our grocery expenses for five weeks. Not bad. In this current economic climate, lots of people I know are dropping their Aflac coverage, but I signed up five years ago for cancer care, short-term disability and hospitalization, not really thinking I needed any of it, but since I'd just had a baby, I thought it was a good investment. But after my bladder cancer episode last year, I sure am glad I have it. The cancer diagnosis came only days after my husband lost his job, and without that supplemental policy, well, I don't know where we would have ended up.

Let's see...anything else? Mmmm...not too much at home. No job leads for the husband yet. Boooo. Kiddo is starting kindergarten on Friday. Wow. I'm excited and anxious about that. Everything else is about the same.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to see what my husband is doing in the kitchen. I need my space and a lot of time for the cooking/baking I'm doing and I can't have him in my way!

Why and Why Not

2010-08-10T22:07:00.003-05:00

After the past few days, I was getting a little down. Started asking myself, "Why me? Why now?"

And then it came to me. Why not me? And why not now?

So what if my husband's been out of work for 14 months? So what if unemployment benefits have been cut by half and COBRA is more than doubling? So what if no health insurance company will insure my daughter, which leaves us in a bind with the COBRA costs? So what if I have a lump the size of a golf ball in my knee (that's new, just found out today...) and we have no idea what it is? So what if I had to go to work and be looking for a potential dead body at 9:30am?

God hand picked me for this, right? He's gotta have some kind of plan in mind for me. I don't know what it is, and I don't know if I'll understand why, but I suppose all I can do is be thankful in my circumstances and wait for the next events to unfold.

I heard two great quotes...don't know who came up with them, but I've been keeping them in mind...

1. When you reach your wit's end, you'll find that's where God lives.

2. When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

Looks like I'll be knocking on God's front door soon (not literally, my health is good and I'm not planning on going out in a blaze of glory anytime soon) and finding out what He's got in store for me next!

Victory

2010-08-07T13:25:00.002-05:00

In the past 48 hours, I've accomplished two things on my "Bucket List".

I jumped in the deep end of a pool. (For anyone who knows me, this is a BIG deal.) And I made someone (my kiddo) laugh until screaming, "Stop, I'm going to pee on myself!"

Yeah, life is pretty good, even when it's pretty bad.

Menu Plan Monday

2010-08-01T18:49:00.003-05:00

I made a yummy dinner tonight and it got me thinking about the rest of the week. We've been doing more penny-pinching lately and it's affecting the grocery budget. Other than shopping for necessities/fresh produce, there will be no grocery shopping until the end of the month. That being said, I've been scouring the fridge, freezer and pantry for meal ideas. We're going to be eating a lot of chicken this month. Even so, I've got this week's menu planned.

Monday~ Mini meatloaves and squash

Tuesday~ Chicken, mac and cheese, green beans

Wednesday~ Pork roast, rice, baked apples

Thursday~ Quesadillas (veggie and chicken)

Friday~ Pizza night

I'm also going to be using the next few weeks to figure out family-friendly, budget-friendly meals that will produce a fair amount of leftovers so that I'm able to pack my kiddo's lunches. I usually cook just what we need because I don't like having food go to waste, but since I'm going to be packing her lunch daily, leftovers will be important. Sandwiches are okay sometimes, but I like the idea of her getting nutritious, yummy food which will require some creativity on my part. I'm up for the challenge!

Money Talks

2010-07-29T21:14:00.002-05:00

I can hardly believe that it's the end of July already. The past few weeks have been a strange combination of busy and relaxing...busy, because things are always busy, but relaxing because I've had a few weeks since summer school ended and I'm only working one job. Nice. The evenings are my own and I've been spending as much time as I can with my kiddo.

Ah, my kiddo. She starts kindergarten in three short weeks. I've taken her shopping for some school clothes, and for a change, I didn't worry about prices or clearance racks. I just let her pick out things that she liked. That was hard, because money has been super-extra-tight, but I really felt like my kiddo deserved some nice clothes for her first few days of school. We got her five new shirts and two new pairs of pants. Spent just under $80, which seemed okay to me.

Speaking of money, my hubby still has not found work. It's been thirteen long months of unemployment and his benefits were drastically reduced. His ongoing unemployment hasn't been for lack of trying, but that doesn't make it any easier. I was looking over our budget yesterday, attempting to figure out where else we can cut back, and I've come to the sad realization that there isn't anywhere else to cut back.

Truth be told, if we never used water and didn't have to eat--meaning no water bill and no grocery bills--we'd break even at the end of the month. Obviously, things like food and showers and flushing toilets are necessities, so I guess we'll have to figure out something else. Any ideas? I don't mean to paint such a bleak picture...I'm just not in a great place right now as far as that goes.

For the most part, I'm hanging in there. Blogging has been slow and sporadic, along with most other things in my life. My heart isn't in much of anything. Well, I take that back. My heart is most definitely in spending time with my sweet little girl and getting creative in the kitchen. We may not have much money for groceries, but I can come up with some pretty snazzy dishes with the food we have in the house. Tomorrow is barbecued chicken legs with grilled eggplant and zucchini, and a spinach, almond and mandarin orange salad. Good food doesn't have to be expensive--our whole meal will work out to about $11.00 for three people, and we'll have leftovers for lunch the next day. So, essentially, it's six meals for $11.00, which works out to what? Less than $2.00 per serving...not bad.

My goal for next week is to only go to the grocery store for milk, eggs and bread. I'm going to create my menu based entirely on what I have in the freezer and pantry. Looks like it's time to start doing my weekly menu plans again!

That's it for now. I'll get back to real blogging soon.

Clumsy

2010-07-18T18:43:00.002-05:00

I've always been sort of clumsy. Ungraceful. Accident-prone. Whatever you want to call it, well, I'm it. Sometimes I'm amused at what a klutz I am, but other days...mmmm...not so much. I have a goose-egg on top of my head from a bad encounter with the freezer door earlier. (My kiddo asked if I was growing another head after she gingerly touched the bump.) I caught my finger in the bathroom drawer. I dropped a bowl of green beans on my foot. Five minutes ago, I cracked my elbow on the edge of the desk and already have an emerging bruise.

People, this is just today.

It's not that I'm rushing around and being careless. I'm just that un-coordinated. Perhaps I should start making my clothes out of bubble wrap.

365 Days

2010-07-09T15:20:00.005-05:00

This is the doctor who first suspected that something was wrong.
She was diligent in testing and as soon as she had an inkling it was more than she should be handling, she sent me to a specialist.

This is HD--Hottie Doc.

He's the doctor who found the growth in my bladder. He was the one who realized it was some sort of tumor. He was the one who planned to take it out, despite protests that it was probably nothing (since I had no risk factors); and despite reservations from the insurance company, who felt it was an expensive and unnecessary procedure. He was the one who found cancer quietly lurking and growing in my bladder. He was the one who got it out and opened a can of whup-ass on it. I see him every few months for follow-up procedures and I am so pleased with his attitude--he's the right balance of cocky and compassionate, which is exactly what I want from someone who's routinely poking around my insides and slicing and dicing when necessary.

This is the doctor who took out the lump/lymph node from my groin.

She totally cheered me on and may have been even happier than me when the biopsy came back as NOT cancer.

This is the doctor who coordinates my care and makes sure referrals are completed and that my insurance manages office visits, tests, procedures, surgeries and treatment.

Without him, none of my treatment would have been paid for by my insurance company--probably thirty thousand dollars in the past year.

These doctors are all part of my treatment team, and without them, I wouldn’t be celebrating this, today, July 9, 2010…

I AM ONE YEAR CANCER-FREE and I am so thankful for the amazing doctors and surgeons who have helped and supported me (and cut me open several times--but it was all for the greater good)!

Un-Jolly

2010-07-02T10:01:00.005-05:00

This is totally and completely random. I've had a peculiar pain in the center-left side of my chest for the past few weeks. It's not medical, I assure you. No heart attack, no panic attack, no tumor, nothing like that.

I didn't recognize it at first. It was a small spot and the first time I felt it, I remember thinking that it was small, about the size of a Jolly Rancher. The corners were sharp and I could feel them cutting into me. It took a little while for me to recognize the feeling for what it was.

I was angry.

I don't give into feelings of anger very often. I prefer to be the type of person who just sort of skates along and deals with issues as they arise. I can feel my feelings, but I get to choose what I do with them, and anger is something that I prefer not to express. More often than not, it results in hurt feelings and I don't know about anyone else, but for me, expressing anger usually backfires, in the sense that it results in more angry feelings.

I like comparing my angry feelings to Jolly Rancher for a few reasons...

Jolly Ranchers are bitter. I don't really like Jolly Ranchers--they're supposed to be sweet, but for me, I think they leave a bad aftertaste. So does anger.

Even though I don't like Jolly Ranchers, they have a strangely addictive quality--if you have one, you want more, and too many Jolly Ranchers aren't good for you. Once anger is expressed, it tends to come out more often in increasingly destructive ways, and that's not good for you...or for the people around you.

Jolly Ranchers are small and neatly packaged, but if you unwrap them and leave them sitting out, they either get hard and sharp and can cut you, or they melt into a sticky mess. Same with anger.

If you put too many Jolly Ranchers in your mouth at one time, you can't articulate or get your point across. Too much anger has the same effect

If you try to swallow a Jolly Rancher whole, it really hurts going down and there's a good chance you'll choke on it. Anger works that way, too.

Soooo...that's it. Just my completely random thoughts for today. I have a long weekend, thank goodness, and a lot I need to get done. I have to do some weeding in the yard, tend to the garden, go grocery shopping, clean the house, do laundry, etc. And that's after putting 60 hours in 4 days. Yikes. Looks like I better get moving. It's after 10am and I have a lot to cram into the next 12 hours.

Have a safe and happy holiday weekend.

2010-06-27T20:09:00.002-05:00

I read this today while reviewing some info on bereavement counseling...I was touched by the words and thought I'd share it.

"Life is death
kept at an arm's length.
Love is grief
dressed in its Sunday best.
And sadness is the tax
assessed on any happiness."

St. James Park Epistle from Still Life in Milford by Thomas Lynch.

2010-06-18T08:47:00.002-05:00

Today is Friday, June 18, 2010. Time right now is 8:48am.

I am NOT at work. Woo hoo!

The past few weeks have been busy, which is nothing new. I've been working about 60-70 hours a week between my full time job and teaching and spent 3 days at a conference in Minneapolis. My boss, nice lady that she is, told me to go ahead and take today off in place of having gone to the conference last weekend. Yay!

I was mentally planning out my day...at 4:30am when I woke up. I have a doctor's appointment this morning, I have to go grocery shopping, wanted to run out to Ulta for a few little things, and was wondering if I could somehow squeeze in a manicure. The manicure was a random thought because my husband threw a $20 bill at me last night and told me I should get a manicure. It occurs to me that if notices how ragged my hands are, they must be pretty bad. So, hopefully I can get that done. That's a big deal for me--I only get my nails done maybe twice a year.

I also have to go shopping for birthday presents, Father's Day gifts, need to balance the checkbook, catch up on laundry, make a Father's Day cake...um, it seems like this 3-day weekend may not be enough after all. Yikes.

Down the Rabbit Hole

2010-06-03T21:36:00.002-05:00

Or some kind of hole. That's where my days have been going. The hours have been bleeding into each other and once again, I'm squeaking by on 2-3 hours of sleep per night. And I'm working 16 hour days (Monday through Thursday) between my two jobs, plus doing work at home in the evenings and on weekends. My spouse and I have never been wealthy, but economic times have made things much more difficult than what's comfortable and the two-job scenario for me right now is a necessity.

Mr. Economy, you suck ass. Sorry for saying "ass" on what I consider to be a pretty friendly blog, but I'm feeling decidedly UNfriendly today.

Two more houses on my block have gone into foreclosure. Not mine--we're good with our house payments. But anyway, there were already two in foreclosure before these two. It's just a holy mess. We literally cannot sell our house. Our property taxes have gone up, but the property value is tanking. And the foreclosures are likely going to be turned around into Section 8 housing. Just not what I want to deal with. Make no mistake, I know there are plenty of people who are decent and nice and maintain their Section 8 properties. I work with a lot of those people--both staff and clients! My concern is that the foreclosed homes that have been purchased by private buyers were, well, purchased by buyers who could afford them. Let's just say I'm not surprised by the fact that it suddenly seems like there are more police cars cruising through the neighborhood lately. Boooooo. This was a nice, perfectly reasonable, working-class family neighborhood five years ago. In some ways it still is, but you can tell that it's teetering on the brink of going one way or the other. I just keep hoping it lands on the good way.

In my next lifetime, I'm either going to be independently wealthy so I don't have to worry about finances, or...wait a minute. There is no "or". I'm just going to be independently wealthy. So there.

Random Photos

2010-05-19T19:29:00.005-05:00

I haven't been doing much writing lately. I have, however, been having some fun with my camera...

17. Lots of ideas going on in the Idea Garden...

18. Plenty of flowers in bloom...

19. Pieces of history not too far from my own backyard...

20. Spring bursting forth in all its glory...

21. Rain to make the garden grow...

22. Roses blooming early and bringing color and life...

Random moments of peace and beauty, brought to you by me. :)

My Baby

2010-05-13T09:01:00.001-05:00

My baby girl is five years old today...not sure where the time has gone, but it's been the best five years ever. So far.

When Loving Your Job Hurts

2010-05-11T21:23:00.002-05:00

I don't even know how to get started. Today was a really hard day at work. I knew going into this field that there would be bad days. Brutal days. Agonizing days. Days that would make me wonder just what exactly I was thinking when I decided to work in social services. Today was all of those things and more.

I said earlier this morning that after a while (and I'm in my 11th year in this line of work), it seems like I've heard it all, said it all, done it all, and seen it all. As soon as I start thinking like that, something bizarre and/or terrifying comes up. And it does. Today, I tapped into a new well of tears and emotion that I didn't even know existed.

All I know is that after leaving my work day behind, I could barely manage to have my daughter more than a foot away from me. I just needed to hold her and know she was safe from the horror that spins around in this world every single day. There was no explanation I could offer to her as we sat eating dinner and tears of mine that she couldn't understand soaked the top of her head. She couldn't understand why I was hugging her so hard and why I couldn't bring myself to let her go, even after she said, "That's enough squeezing, mommy. You're squishing my nose." There was no way to explain the tears that continued to fall, long after they should have dried up and gone away.

And then I think that maybe, just maybe, the tears aren't supposed to stop. As long as they're flowing, it's a reminder that I care, that I give a damn about children who aren't even mine and that I will fight for them even when they can't fight for themselves...when their little voices have been silenced with horror and humiliation that is beyond words or comprehension, when their bodies are broken and battered, when their innocence is shattered into a million pieces. I will cry with them and for them, and cry out to God for help and somehow, someway scoop up the fragile remains and put them back together, one painful, jagged piece at a time.

Considering what they've been through, it's the least I can do for them.

2010-05-04T22:23:00.003-05:00

I adore gardening. I wish I had more time to spend in my garden! Even so, I took these pics a few weeks ago before the tulips faded away. I keep going back to them because they turned out so vibrantly--no editing or anything, just zoomed in with the camera and shot 'em. They brightened my day. Hope they brighten yours, too. I'm looking forward to going to Cantigny, where I can stroll the gardens and get some shots there, too.

Long Day

2010-04-28T21:56:00.003-05:00

Most days, I like my life, like my job, like most things in general.

Today is not one of those days.

I don't know why I get myself so worked up before my appointments with Hottie Doc. I'm so anxious about tomorrow and I think it's because I'm conditioned to expect bad news and that's part of it. The other part is that he's always telling me, "Relax." And my response is, "Says the person in the room who's wearing pants." He laughs. I raise my eyebrows at him because I'm being serious. Going to the doctor is bad enough. Going to a good looking doctor who I have to pay to look at me naked and poke around my insides is even worse. Especially when that doctor is poking around to see if new cancer has popped up.

That's funny. "New" cancer; as opposed to "old" cancer. I wonder if there is "new" cancer, if it'll be new and improved, sort of like Pepsi or Coke or whatever it was. Or if "new" cancer comes with a new fresh scent, a new low price, better taste, fewer calories or no trans fats.

My Last First Kiss

2010-04-20T21:10:00.002-05:00

My husband and I have been together for over ten years, married almost nine years. That being said, that means that my last "first kiss" was more than ten years ago. I won't forget it...we were walking down a quiet street, one of those walks where you're close together but not quite touching because both of you are too hesitant to reach out and touch the other's hand. I don't remember why we stopped walking, but we had paused and were standing in front of a fence--and then a car full of kids passed by and of the boys yelled out, "Kiss her!" So, he did.

I wonder, if I had known that it would be my last first kiss, if there's anything I would have done differently...turned my head? Not giggled? Made it a shorter or longer kiss?

I wonder if other people think about that...if they had known they were having their last first kiss, would they have done anything differently? Or maybe not. Maybe that last first kiss is perfect in its own way because it's with the person you're supposed to be with for the long haul.

Hmm. I think maybe my inner romantic is trying to peek out!

Life, Death and Who Gets to Make that Decision

2010-04-16T20:47:00.004-05:00

I've really been struggling with my writing lately...having a busy life tends to do that, I guess. Even so, I've had something weighing heavily on my mind lately, and it's finally reached that boiling-over point where if I don't get some of it out, there's a chance that my brain may start leaking out of my ears. Okay, not really, but it's an interesting visual.

Now, to more serious matters.

I was recently working on an Advance Directive/Living Will/whatever you want to call it. In that document, I made my wishes clear as to whether or not I want life support (I don't) and who should be in charge of those types of decisions if the time comes that I can't make the decision for myself. Technically, I'm giving a directive as to whether or not my life is worth living. So...if I don't allow life support or if there's a certain type of debilitating condition that I would choose not to live with, does that mean it's equal to suicide? And who gets to make the judgement as to whether or not it is? If I don't want life support, am I guilty of committing suicide? Or if my doctor withholds life support, even at my advance request, does that make him/her guilty of homicide? If a doctor disagrees with that decision and the courts get involved, does my Health Care Agent (the person making decisions for me) or the judge who would allow termination of life support also be guilty of murder?

No. On all counts. But that's just my opinion.

Now for a more heated part of the topic. Abortion. Go ahead and have whatever reaction you have when you hear or read the word. I know I always react in the same way whenever I hear about it or read about it. But you know what? I don't react in a judgmental way. At least, I don't think so. I make an honest effort not to judge, though I would be a liar if I said I never judge people. Of course I do. But I try really hard not to judge any woman weighing the option of abortion. But for many people, it's a topic of life and death and a topic related to morality and religion. It's obviously hard for some people not to judge. I get that. Maybe I work so hard not to judge because I've worked with A LOT of women, women of all ages in various stages of pre-abortion consideration and post-abortion feelings and emotions.

Their stories break my heart. I'm pretty sure their stories break God's heart, too. A woman once asked me, "Since I'm an atheist, how can anyone tell me that it's a sin and I'm going to hell for having an abortion?" I had no answer for her, and even if I did, it wasn't what she needed. As a therapist, I did my job and helped her explore her feelings about that. Another woman told me that she would get physically ill when she drove past churches that display the white crosses in front representing the numbers of babies aborted...not because she'd ever had an abortion, but because her beliefs were so strong that she discouraged her daughter (who was in her late 20s) from having an abortion. Her daughter was considering abortion after finding out about a medical condition that was going to lead to certain death both for her and for her unborn baby. This woman told her daughter that miracles happen every single day (and they do!), that doctors can be wrong (they often are!) and that her case could be one of those that went down in the record books if she and her baby both survived.

She and her baby did not survive. And the mother/grandmother was riddled with guilt because she couldn't help but wonder if she hadn't pushed her daughter so hard, if maybe, just maybe, she would at least have had her daughter still with her. Certainly, there's no way to know. She struggled with seeing the crosses because of the loss it represented for her. Don't get me wrong...many women would have made the decision to go through the pregnancy anyway and hope for the best. I think I probably would. But...if I died as a result and my baby died as a result, does that equal suicide and homicide? Or does it not count because intent isn't a factor? As for those white crosses, some people make the argument that they're no different than roadside memorials to honor people who've been killed in car accidents. Mmmm...maybe. But I know plenty of people who are also upset by roadside memorials. I'm one of them. I know I wouldn't want to memorialized on the side of the road, but I never gave it much thought beyond that until a friend of mine lost her husband in a car accident and people kept putting up white crosses and flowers at the accident site. She kept taking them down. It was unbearably painful for her to have to drive by it daily on her way to and from work and she kept asking people not to put the stuff up, but they did anyway...because it made them feel better. They showed no respect for her feelings. Ultimately, she quit her job because she didn't want to face another day of that painful reminder that she had to live the rest of her life without her husband. I'm sure there are some women who see those white crosses in front of churches and the wounds they carry in their hearts are opened up all over again. Some people might argue that they deserve it for making that decision.

My response? Last I checked, the only One who ultimately gets to judge me is God, and even He saves it until I die. Why would somebody else (especially a self-proclaimed Christian who is supposedly trying to live a Christ-driven life) judge another human being? Does God judge us differently if our intention is somehow labeled as okay or good?

If I take a bullet for my child or husband or any of my sisters, and I would, without a thought in my head...technically, I'm taking my own life. If a firefighter rushes into a burning building to save someone inside and he dies as a result...technically, he's guilty of taking his own life. Police officers go to their jobs every single day knowing that they might not survive their shift. Is it different if they die serving the greater good? What about our U.S. military personnel? They've chosen a dangerous career. Granted, there are plenty of them who will never see combat, never have to make a life or death decision...but what about the ones who do? If a soldier gives his/her life for our great country, is that suicide? Is the general who sent them to war a murderer? If someone threatens the life of one of my loved ones and brandishes a weapon, could I see myself trying to wrestle that weapon away and end his/her life before he can take my life or the life of a loved one? Hell yes, I could...and technically, I'm guilty of taking another human being's life. Again, is it the intent that's considered the factor? Is it the level of risk involved? Is it different if the person who ends up dead is a "bad" person?

If the goal of taking a life is to preserve another human life, does that make it better or more okay in God's eyes? I don't know. I have no idea what God thinks about stuff like that. Why? Because we're talking about man-made laws and beliefs. But if preserving another life would make it somehow "okay", then consider this: How and why is abortion considered wrong in cases of selective reduction (reducing a multiple pregnancy to save the life or lives of other unborn babies) or when the life of the mother is in danger? I'm not saying it's right or wrong or that I have a certain belief either way, I'm just presenting the question.

You know that leads right into death penalty issues. If a serial killer is put to death, presumably because of the heinous crimes (for argument's sake, I'm going to make it a male) he committed, because he's a risk to the general population and because it's believed that in order to preserve the lives of the people around him, he must die...then is the person who flips the switch or administers the lethal injection absolved of the crime of murder? The person carrying out the sentence killed a man. Is he or she really any less guilty of murder than the serial killer? I don't know. And I'm thankful that it's really not up to me to know the answer to that or to any of the questions I've presented here.

I've discussed this with a few close friends and some of them were appalled...that somehow, by presenting the questions for discussion, it makes me a bad Christian. And my goodness, what would Jesus think? Well...people thought Jesus had pretty radical ideas and asked some pretty wild questions, too, so I guess we might be able to relate to each other a little. I think He might be open to hearing what people have to say about all of it. And He'd still love everyone and forgive everyone and not pass human judgement, the same way He expects all of us to do.

Now, I'm going to take a deep breath and post this...

In Hiding

2010-04-11T20:58:00.003-05:00

I've been neglecting my blog (duh, like it's not obvious). It's not intentional, more the result of being pressed for time with so much going on at work and with the semester winding down. By the time I have a few minutes, I don't feel like sitting in front of the computer to type. That's really too bad, because I've got close to a dozen posts started, but nothing complete.

The topics I'm working on?

Purgatory and what I think about it.
Extreme political and religious views and how both damage morale and personal relationships.
My feelings about abortion crosses in front of churches and memorials on road sides where people have been killed in accidents. (I'm bothered by both of them.)
My baby girl getting registered for kindergarten.
My husband's continued job search.
Cake. (Because my kiddo's birthday is coming up and I'm designing a 3-tiered ballerina themed cake.)
Moving to Maine.
Hottie Doc and the anxiety worry I have in the weeks leading up to my next appointment.
The evils of e-bay.
Insurance. All insurance--health, dental, car, life, homeowner's.
People who aren't nice and get some perverse satisfaction out of degrading others, being smug, acting all "holier than thou".

So, given the list, there's been some heavy stuff weighing on my mind. And some not-so-heavy-stuff, too. But for right now, I'm honestly too tired to even finish this post. So...that's all, folks.

Money and Sunshine

2010-03-31T17:16:00.003-05:00

In spite of not great financial circumstances, I've been doing a pretty good job of managing the household budget. There's not much wiggle room, that's for sure, but even so, I've been frugal, so things are getting paid and paid on time...and we're even getting ahead in some areas! I mailed the last payment for the hubby's car today, so as soon as the check clears, we officially own it. That's a good feeling. We also had to buy a new computer in November when our laptop and desktop went kaput at the same time...we bought a package through Best Buy with 0% financing for a year, but we knew we'd only need a few months to take care of it. Our fourth payment will be the last payment, and that's in just a few days.

That's two pretty big bills out of the way. I put us on a debt reduction plan because I cannot stand owing money--and even worse, paying interest on the money that's owed. Other than a few unexpected medical bills, everything is right on target. We're still planning on selling the house, though the issue of when has become a big question. We were trying to get it ready for this month, but it looks like it's going to be postponed until May. There are so many homes in our neighborhood for sale and I worry about whether we'd even be able to get a buyer. Some of the homes have been for sale for over a year, and still several others are standing empty after being foreclosed upon. If the hubby finds a job in the next few months, our plan is to keep the house for probably another year, but I guess we'll have to wait and see. Although, I pointed out to my husband that if we stick to our debt reduction plan, we'll have our house paid off in 2021, which will only be 16 years into our 30 year mortgage. Of course, that's if things work out as planned, and honestly, it seems silly to me to try and make such long term financial plans when the economy is still such a mess. Job prospects continue to be grim for the hubby and I don't know what will happen in June when his unemployment benefits run out. We're hopeful he'll be able to get an extension, but his last statement showed that all benefits terminate on June 27th. All we can do is wait.

Other than that, we're coasting along. The weather has been beautiful and we actually got into the 70s today. Sunny, breezy AND the tulips and daffodils are getting ready to bloom. Hello to Spring, my how I've missed you!

When It Rains...

2010-03-16T21:38:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm pretty well out of my emotional funk. This is due to a terribly sick four-year-old who is requiring some serious cuddle time and a lot of loving. It was a long day at work, but rather than rush and take care of household chores or grading papers, I spent the evening snuggling on the couch with the munchkin, then laying in bed with her rubbing her back while she tried to sleep. Her little body is just being wracked with coughs, she's running a fever, and the antibiotics are doing bad things to her tummy. Poor kiddo is miserable, but it really made me slow down, and for that small part of it, I'm grateful. I would, however, trade places with her in a second if it meant she'd feel better.

I just glanced at the clock and realized that it is now late enough that I can't finish any work, even if I were to start it now. So, I'm leaving it all alone tonight and will be going to bed early instead. Maybe I'll get some good sleep and finally shake off the time-change-blues!

The Missing Girl

2010-03-14T14:09:00.002-05:00

I don't think people intentionally lose themselves. I believe it's a gradual undoing...maybe the result of something major, maybe the result of subtle issues and conflicts that occur over time, the occasional compromise of beliefs or values that at the time seems to be for the greater good. All of those things and probably many, many more lead to a shift, a transformation or transmutation. It's something that occurs, sometimes so slowly and with such trickery that it doesn't even occur to us that anything has changed at all, until one day, we look in the mirror and are startled by what's staring back at us.

I've been looking in the mirror a lot lately.

It's not just the physical changes I'm noticing, though they are the most noticeable. The increasingly dark circles under my eyes getting bigger, the sparkle in my eyes fading, the frown lines getting deeper, more gray hair. Gray hair and wrinkles come with the passage of time and I tell myself that each one is the result of life experience. But the dull eyes and dark circles are something else entirely. I know I'm tired. That's not a secret, certainly not anything new. I've suffered from random bouts of insomnia for as long as I can remember. This time, though, it's all stress related. And I don't like the type of person I become after long periods of stress. My patience is terribly thin and I become quick-tempered. My tolerance for frustration is nil.

I was driving to the dentist yesterday with a raging toothache, thinking about all of this. It was an interesting drive. The past year has been difficult, but I chide myself, because really, most years are difficult in their own ways and I've made it to where I am in spite of those difficulties. I suppose I'm tired of things being difficult. Just for a while, I'd like things to be a little easier--easier from my perspective at least. I'd like for my time to be my own. The weekdays blend into each other in a chaotic mess of work, chores and more work. The weekends are spent cleaning and doing laundry and grading papers.

I shed a lot of tears in the past 24 hours when I realized that my life has turned into the exact type of thing that I always swore to myself it wouldn't...living paycheck to paycheck, barely seeing my daughter and missing her so much as I'm running and running to take care of everything that needs taking care of, taking on more work to make ends meet, not feeling valued or appreciated or even just heard in most areas of my life. Or, more accurately on that last point, I feel like I'm often not heard, which then leads to those feelings of not feeling valued or appreciated.

I need and want to scale back so badly. I need to do it and do it soon. One of my dearest mentors told me last week that she's quitting her job in six months and I started to cry--not only because it makes me sad, but because I see her moving forward and living out part of the dream I had for myself. I'm not jealous--I'm happy for her. But I'm hurting for me. It's not her fault, obviously, that she's paid her dues and is now in a position to stay home and be with her children. That's beyond fantastic for her. It just comes at a time when I feel like an impostor in my own life.

I believe that this is all circumstantial, and in a few years, I'll look back on this time and remember that it was hard, but also just one more thing that I got through. I tell myself that it's all character-building and teaching me valuable things about love, life, living and work. But for now, just for a little while, I'll be wistful and sad...and hopefully, that can turn into something more productive and who knows? Maybe in six months, I'll have a new plan in place that will have room for letting me scale back a little.

I'm a Bad Blogger

2010-03-07T19:26:00.002-06:00

Yeesh...I haven't posted anything in quite a while. I'm still alive and kickin', but just slow on posting stuff. I suppose it's a good sign--there hasn't been much of anything going on and I'm sorely lacking in inspiration to post something worthwhile. The university was on break last week and I didn't have to go rushing off to teach. It was nice to have a few nights at home. Periodically I wonder what my life would be like if I only had to work one job. I think I'd like it. Especially if one job paid what I'm making at both. It would be nice to have a little less stress but still be able to make ends meet.

Hmmm...what else? We got our taxes done. That's always a painful experience. It's sort of disheartening to see what the feds and state get from us, and then add up what we pay out of pocket for medical and health expenses and it's no wonder money's always so tight. We are getting a refund, so I'm not complaining. Every penny counts, but even more so with the hubby still not working. Things are hard all over, I know.

That's really about it. I don't even have a menu for this week. I think the next two days will be leftovers, then maybe pork chops on Wednesday and chicken on Thursday. Friday will be some sort of meatless dish, but I don't know what yet.

I think I'm in a little bit of a funk and that's okay. Keeps me looking forward to feeling up and happy again!

Tick Tock

2010-02-24T21:03:00.003-06:00

Today has been terribly long. I know all days have 24 hours in them, and there are plenty of days when I wish I had a few more hours available to me, but today (well, really this whole week so far) just seemed to stretch on and on.

Some of it is that I'm just tired. Being chronically sleep-deprived leads to a bit of a skewed perception when it comes to time. I'm not stressed out more than usual, so I'm not sure why I'm having another round of insomnia. My doctor encouraged me to go ahead and take Benadryl at night, but that messes with my digestive system. And I've been taking allergy medicine on and off since we got the dog, so I'm not keen on taking something if I don't really need it. But enough of that. Here are some pictures of my dog...

Hmm...that's about it for tonight. Nothing earth-shaking. Besides, there was enough earth-shaking during our recent earthquake and I don't want to jinx myself. I'm sleepy and getting ready to crash in bed for the night. Good thing tomorrow is a new day and I can leave this one behind.

The Un-Plan

2010-02-16T21:58:00.002-06:00

Periodically, I laugh when I think about all the plans I've made for my life.

Futile efforts. Wasted time. Because really, whatever will be will be, and Fate doesn't care a whole lot about my dreams and plans.

I had a lot of big plans for 2010. It was finally going to happen--after years of being the bread winner, working two jobs and doing a seemingly impossible juggling act in my daily life--I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. Homemaker. Housewife. Whatever you want to call it, I was going to be it. I was going to be in charge of family breakfasts, packing lunches, taking the kiddo to and from kindergarten, helping her with homework, making dinners, keeping the house clean and orderly, maybe having another baby.

Ummm...not quite.

I shouldn't be surprised. Most of my plans in the last 5-10 years have completely gone down the drain. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm bitter about it, because honestly, I don't think I'm bitter. Sad? Yes. A little angry? Definitely.

More than anything, though, I feel defeated. I've been putting up a heck of a fight, but for right now, the fight in me is kind of pooped out. Today, all I can do is pick up the pieces of what was "supposed to be" this year.

I've started gathering boxes, making plans for what I can start packing away. Yup. We're putting the house up for sale next month and I figure there's no harm in starting to prepare now. Seldom-used and seasonal items will get packed first. Then books. Baby items I'd been holding onto in hopes of having another child will be sold to a consignment shop. Books, puzzles and toys that my daughter has outgrown will be donated. Old movies, books and CDs will be given to the senior center. The treadmill will be sold.

For me, taking care of these little things will ease some of the sting of the current circumstances. Gradual acceptance instead of having to deal with it all at once. God knows how poorly I handle sudden changes, and if I can maintain some sense of dignity and control during this crazy time, everyone around me will be much happier.

And of course, I remind myself that the things being packed away/sold/donated are really only that--just things. That's especially true of the things we're parting with. They're all replaceable if the time comes that we need/want to replace them. And I feel good knowing that somebody else will get some use out of them.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm all Pollyanna about all of this, but railing against the Fates or being mad at God isn't going to change anything. I might be coping with all of this a little better if I wasn't registering the kiddo for kindergarten next week. Even though it shouldn't, it feels like a slap in the face, just another reminder that once again, I'm not fulfilling the role I had planned for myself.

On the upside, I'm curious to find out what kind of role I'll be fulfilling according to God's plans for me.

Menu Plan Monday

2010-02-15T21:31:00.002-06:00

Ugh. I missed menu planning last week and it threw everything off. I'm going to do better this week.

Today~ Hubby made pancakes for dinner.

Tuesday~ Chicken, bean and veggie quesadillas

Wednesday~ Grilled cheese and Italian vegetable soup

Thursday~ Shawn's "pa-sghetti"

Friday~ Pizza night

I realize this is probably the worst menu ever. Nothing fancy or even remotely intriguing or out-of-this-world yummy...but it's a menu, and that's all I can ask of my mushy mind right now. Plus, February has not been kind to us financially (booooo!) which means the grocery budget is pretty limited. The good thing is that I don't have to shop for anything. The menu is based entirely on what we have available, so that's good. And honestly, it's pretty balanced. We all like our vegetables and there's some protein at every meal, so we should be good.

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday--for all you Catholics out there, you know what I'm talking about--but I will NOT be indulging. After entertaining the hubby's friends all weekend, I've already had more than my fair share of desserts. Well, there is some fudge left and several red velvet cupcakes waiting to be eaten. But I won't over-do it. Too much.

Okay, I probably will.

Monday, Monday

2010-02-15T15:22:00.002-06:00

My weekend was so busy and I can't believe it's Monday. And it's late afternoon already! I'm tired, and even though it was so nice to have the day off work, I still have to drag myself to the university tonight to teach. Spring break is soon, so at least I'll have a week of not-quite-so-late nights. I feel like all I did this whole weekend was cook, clean and do laundry. Wait. Ummm...that's exactly what I did. Speaking of which, there's a load in the dryer right now that I have to take care of. Boooooo.

2010-02-14T14:55:00.002-06:00

Thankful for the simple things today...

12. A tousled head of hair framing a sleep-pink face and a whisper of, "Hi Mommy. It's morning. Get up now. Please."

13. The dog sitting close enough to keep me warm.

14. Perfect winter skies--blazing sun in an endless sea of blue during the day and starry sparkles in coal at night.

15. A new leaf poking out on the bamboo plant--reminds me that spring isn't too far off.

16. Enough leftovers from yesterday that I don't have to cook tonight.