Monday, February 22, 2016

When Your (My) Soul Goes Missing

I came across a quote today.

"When life makes no sense, you must withdraw to the sanctuary within.  Only in a state of peace will you see what you must do." ~Leon Brown

There are days, oh, so many days, where I do not find any peace within.  I'm ashamed to say that I don't remember a time where I ever felt what I consider to be true peace within myself.  I've had brief experiences of feeling peaceful, but I've always had an underlying sense of edginess, laced with anxiety, needled by despair.  I suppose I consider it part of natural human angst.  Some of us are more angst-y than others and I'm on the high-angst end.

I've found myself attempting to have conversations with God again.  About this.  About the angst.

It's not going so well.  And I accept my role in that.  I've been maintaining a stubborn difference of opinion with Him for a long time.  Longer than I care to admit.  Yet somewhere in the brokenness I feel inside, somewhere under the layers of angst and anger, there's a little spot...a sanctuary...that wants to make an appearance, and I feel a sense of urgency in trying to get that little spot out into the open.

Today is Day 1 of my inner sanctuary journey.  I don't know what it is, what it will be, or what outcome I may find.  But it's Day 1, just the same.