Tuesday, October 25, 2011
On My Own
If I had known ten years ago that today would be ten years from now, I may have done a few things differently. There's no way to un-do anything, and I maintain that I've learned lessons from everything that has happened, but...I'm feeling a little lonely and a lot sad tonight. And kind of disappointed in myself.
I never thought that I'd be hitting my mid-30s, juggling two jobs, praying to keep the bills caught up, praying that my next cancer checkup goes okay, managing a home and family, quietly packaging up my hopes and dreams and storing them in a corner of my heart because it hurts too much to completely let go of them.
It never occurred to me that one day, I would cross the line from being a loner, to feeling alone, to feeling lonely. Most days, I don't mind being alone. As much as I can be a big, social, kooky spazz, I'm more quietly introspective and I like my own company. I'm comfortable with it. Lately though, as things have been catching up with me, I find myself longing for something different.
I find that I long to be different, even if only for a little while.
Every so often, I feel like I've lost myself, that I've gone missing from my own life. Like I'm an impostor in my own life. And there isn't a milk carton in the world big enough to profile my missing self. That's something I have to find on my own.
She's out there. Or here inside me. Somewhere.