Tuesday, October 25, 2011

On My Own

If I had known ten years ago that today would be ten years from now, I may have done a few things differently.  There's no way to un-do anything, and I maintain that I've learned lessons from everything that has happened, but...I'm feeling a little lonely and a lot sad tonight.  And kind of disappointed in myself.

I never thought that I'd be hitting my mid-30s, juggling two jobs, praying to keep the bills caught up, praying that my next cancer checkup goes okay, managing a home and family, quietly packaging up my hopes and dreams and storing them in a corner of my heart because it hurts too much to completely let go of them.

It never occurred to me that one day, I would cross the line from being a loner, to feeling alone, to feeling lonely.  Most days, I don't mind being alone.  As much as I can be a big, social, kooky spazz, I'm more quietly introspective and I like my own company.  I'm comfortable with it.  Lately though, as things have been catching up with me, I find myself longing for something different. 

I find that I long to be different, even if only for a little while.

Every so often, I feel like I've lost myself, that I've gone missing from my own life.  Like I'm an impostor in my own life.  And there isn't a milk carton in the world big enough to profile my missing self.  That's something I have to find on my own.

She's out there.  Or here inside me.  Somewhere.

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