Monday, March 07, 2011

Hardy Har Har

I'm going to start this post by saying something that I know is not true.

God is having a good laugh at my expense.

Okay, I don't really believe He's laughing at me, nor do I really believe that He's the cause of my recent troubles.

I do believe that my frustration is getting the better of me. I can get pretty emotional and irrational, just like anybody, but most of the time (whether it's because of my job, being a parent or whatever), I do a good job of being even-tempered. It's not always easy, mind you, but I manage fairly well.

Lately, though, I've been pretty testy, feeling down in the dumps and very anxious. My boss got snarky with me last week and I don't respond well to personal attacks. So, I've been letting myself stay irritated instead of getting over it. Not long after that, my husband found me crying on the couch at 4am. Crying? Yes, crying. I was crying because I was so exhausted and could not sleep. And I could not sleep because I hear the incessant noise in the pipes that right now, we really can't afford to fix. But we have to fix it, because very soon, we need to get this house sold (or the hubs needs to find a job ASAP). And who's going to buy a house with a noisy plumbing issue? Then I get all anxious about that, on top of everything else I'm anxious about--work, home, finances, gas prices, health insurance (you know, things that lots of Americans are facing on a daily basis). Anxiety is no fun, let me tell you. I walk around with a near-constant weight on my chest, that weird feeling in my head and a slightly foggy mind. Then I get mad at myself for being anxious. Mad at the economy. Mad at the hubs for not having found a job. Mad that the housing market stinks and even though we need to sell our house, finding a buyer is going to take a serious stroke of luck with so many homes right on our street in foreclosure.

Mad that my life isn't what I planned for or hoped for right now.

Mad that it seems like I have to accept that part of adulthood is trading in the dreams I had for the reality that is mine right now.

Mad that I can't seem to relax. Ever.

I get grumpy about it for a while and then just figure out how to move on. It's not like my circumstances are going to change overnight. Unless I win the lottery. Or a very, very wealthy relative (or random stranger??) decides to give me a bunch of money. Not likely!

On the bright side, spring is right around the corner and crocuses, daffodils and tulips will be blooming shortly. I typically have a nice floral display in the front yard. Maybe that'll be a good selling point in another month or so?

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