Monday, January 24, 2011

Memory Keeping

Most of the time, I think I'm a pretty good friend. I'm there for the people I care about, genuinely want them to be happy and will give of myself unconditionally to help them reach their goals and be as content and happy as they can be. Historically, I have a very small group of friends. I'm not really a social butterfly--I prefer to surround myself with people I know very well and who know me very well in return. My inner circle of friends may not actually be friends with each other, but they are my friends, and I love them fiercely.

Which is why it hurts so much when someone decides not to be part of that circle anymore. Even worse when they take off with no explanation. I worry and internalize enough to wonder if I said or did something wrong.

Friends break up all of the time and certainly no explanations are necessary. I guess I just feel that after years of sharing hopes, dreams, laughs, tears, worries, fears about the future, regrets about the past, hope for what might still be, sharing hugs and high fives, using each others' shoulders for crying and ears for listening...when you connect on that deep level, it just seems like there should be something, even just a, "Hey, nice knowing you, but I'm outta here."

This happened to me once before with someone else and I was sad for a long time. I'm feeling that same old sadness as I silently bid farewell to someone who's obviously already long gone. I have lots of good memories of what, for a while, what I thought was a rock-solid friendship.

There's a poem somewhere about friends coming into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Looking back on it, the signs were there that it would not be a lifetime friendship. I suspect it was a reason for that person, a season for me...and I know that I will take those lessons of friendship and carry them with me for my lifetime.

And even if I don't feel like I'm okay with it now, I believe I'll be okay with it later.

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