Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Un-Plan

Periodically, I laugh when I think about all the plans I've made for my life.

Futile efforts. Wasted time. Because really, whatever will be will be, and Fate doesn't care a whole lot about my dreams and plans.

I had a lot of big plans for 2010. It was finally going to happen--after years of being the bread winner, working two jobs and doing a seemingly impossible juggling act in my daily life--I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. Homemaker. Housewife. Whatever you want to call it, I was going to be it. I was going to be in charge of family breakfasts, packing lunches, taking the kiddo to and from kindergarten, helping her with homework, making dinners, keeping the house clean and orderly, maybe having another baby.

Ummm...not quite.

I shouldn't be surprised. Most of my plans in the last 5-10 years have completely gone down the drain. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm bitter about it, because honestly, I don't think I'm bitter. Sad? Yes. A little angry? Definitely.

More than anything, though, I feel defeated. I've been putting up a heck of a fight, but for right now, the fight in me is kind of pooped out. Today, all I can do is pick up the pieces of what was "supposed to be" this year.

I've started gathering boxes, making plans for what I can start packing away. Yup. We're putting the house up for sale next month and I figure there's no harm in starting to prepare now. Seldom-used and seasonal items will get packed first. Then books. Baby items I'd been holding onto in hopes of having another child will be sold to a consignment shop. Books, puzzles and toys that my daughter has outgrown will be donated. Old movies, books and CDs will be given to the senior center. The treadmill will be sold.

For me, taking care of these little things will ease some of the sting of the current circumstances. Gradual acceptance instead of having to deal with it all at once. God knows how poorly I handle sudden changes, and if I can maintain some sense of dignity and control during this crazy time, everyone around me will be much happier.

And of course, I remind myself that the things being packed away/sold/donated are really only that--just things. That's especially true of the things we're parting with. They're all replaceable if the time comes that we need/want to replace them. And I feel good knowing that somebody else will get some use out of them.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm all Pollyanna about all of this, but railing against the Fates or being mad at God isn't going to change anything. I might be coping with all of this a little better if I wasn't registering the kiddo for kindergarten next week. Even though it shouldn't, it feels like a slap in the face, just another reminder that once again, I'm not fulfilling the role I had planned for myself.

On the upside, I'm curious to find out what kind of role I'll be fulfilling according to God's plans for me.

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