Friday, January 29, 2010

Someone Else's Star

I remember being young--very young, perhaps as young as my daughter--and looking up into the night sky at the stars. You must understand that the stars were difficult to see through the haze of city lights. But I remember seeing them every now and then and thinking that it made sense to wish on them. Certainly something so beautiful, even though it seemed so tiny in the vast sky, was worth gazing at...worth placing all my hopes and dreams upon.

I'm not sure any of my wishes came true. As I got older, those early feelings of disappointment grew and were crushing. The wishes made were for silly things, serious things, things I wanted, things I needed. Things I wanted to do over because it hurt too much to think about the outcomes...things I wanted to do again, just to recapture the good feelings...I used wishes as prayers as I tried to figure out a life that was becoming increasingly difficult, though I wasn't even a teenager yet.

I'm older now and I still hang onto that little-girl-hope...the hope that essentially dictates that I have to wish on the stars. The stars are easier to see now that we live outside of the city and I watch in amazement as my own little girl stares into the night sky, whispering softly, "Star light, star bright, first star that I see tonight..." I want to tell her that it's a fun tradition, but nothing more. Wishes on stars are just that--wishes, not reality. But I can't shatter the hope in her innocent face as she puts her faith is something that is both smaller and bigger than she is.

There are so many stars twinkling in the dark tonight. It occurs to me that perhaps I just haven't found my own star yet. Maybe, just maybe, each and every wish I've made in my life has come true, just not for me...because I was wishing on someone else's star. Maybe every wish I made resulted in something better for someone else. I'd like to think that maybe I did some good in the world. It's a nice thought.

And kind of annoying, because that means for my 10th birthday, somebody else got the Malibu Barbie that I really wanted.

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