Friday, March 27, 2009

Whoops!

I can't believe I've let a whole week go by without blogging! I don't know where the time has gone the past few days. I mean, things are always busy and the past week was no exception, but I didn't feel like it was any busier than usual. Ah well.

I had a fantastic day today. I was able to finish work early and had a half day all to myself because the hubby and kiddo were gone for the day. I took care of a few things around the house--took out the garbage, took care of the dishes and did some laundry, but I purposely made myself take it easy. I didn't want to spend a free afternoon doing nothing but chores, so I went out for a little while--hit the fabric store to buy some fleece for a blanket that I'm making for a friend, treated myself to some ice-cream (which was super duper yummy by the way), then I relaxed at home. It was a nice day all around.

I've noticed that my mood has been a bit lighter recently--maybe it's because of the warmer weather and sunshine or that I've been forcing myself to take some "me" time, but whatever it is, I'm just glad that I'm feeling happier. My sleep is still terrible. The past few nights, I've been averaging about 3 hours (if I'm lucky), so I finally decided it's time to talk to the doctor. I'd been putting it off and putting it off, hoping the problem would resolve itself, but it's not. Once every few weeks I'll get some decent sleep, but it's not restorative. I think it's more that my body physically can't go anymore and I finally sleep because of that. I'm curious to hear what the doctor has to say about what I can do.

So that's about it. Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Friday, March 20, 2009

A Personal Message

For those of you who read my blog, you may be curious about the March for Babies banner in the sidebar. Following is an e-mail I sent out to my family and friends today concerning something I feel very strongly about...

Dear Family and Friends:

I'm excited to announce that I will be participating in a 5K for the March of Dimes/March for Babies. As some of you know, my friend Kim and her husband Mark were eagerly anticipating the arrival of their little girl, Alyssa Shannon, this past summer. Tragically, due to a devastating circumstance, Alyssa did not survive and she is desperately missed by all who were so looking forward to meeting her. In support of all families who have suffered the loss of a child, and all families who have been touched by children who were born fighting just to survive, I will be walking/running with team Alyssa Shannon on Sunday, April 26th at Busse Woods in Elk Grove Village. Your prayers and support are appreciated!

You can visit my personal webpage at http://www.marchforbabies.org/martha_j to read more about the event and/or support me in my fundraising goal. If you'd like to find out more about the March for Babies and why I'm participating, please click HERE for a short video.

"I'm hitting the street for little feet!"

Martha J.

"The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Owner's Manual

Everyone says that babies need to come with owner's manuals. I agree. And I think there needs to be an upgraded owner's manual each year...I need the one for the almost-four-year-old. Good Lord, my poor kiddo has been a miserable, feverish mess since yesterday. I could tell on Friday that she just wasn't herself, and then yesterday, BAM! Fever, crying, miserable, refusing to eat. I wish I could just take it all away from her, or at the very least, have an owner's manual to tell me how to troubleshoot when I've tried everything and nothing is working.

More nonsense later...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Who's the Hero of Your Story?

I'm overwrought and overtired, which means I'm overly analyzing things.

Today, one of friends at work told me that I do a really good job and that she admires my integrity, my ability to relate to others, that I work well under pressure amid the myriad of crises we face each day, my empathy and genuine desire to help others. She smiled and said, "You are the hero in so many of the stories here."

I know she meant that as a compliment, but I felt like I was sucker punched. It occurred to me, if I'm the hero in so many other stories, who gets to be the hero in my story?

I think if nothing else in this life, I deserve to be that for myself. The hero in my own story...

Saturday, March 07, 2009

The Value of Friendship

"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad." ~Arnold H. Glasgow

One of my goals for 2009 was to make a new friend. I realize that this may not seem like a big deal to many people, but for me, it's huge. Really, really huge. I'm a super-private person and I'm not particularly good at talking about myself in general. I'm much better at listening, which is probably why I'm the go-to person for my friends/family when they have something going on, and probably also why my chosen career involves listening for a living.

Anyhow, my point here is that I did make a new friend. It seems so funny to be able to say that (and perhaps a bit lame, too), but it's been incredibly nice and strangely liberating to be the one talking for a change. And it's not like I talk about anything earth-shaking. When we chat, I talk about home, family, other friends, work, school/teaching...stuff like that. Just normal, run-of-the-mill, daily stuff. It's kind of nice to be able to babble on about nothing in particular, make a few stupid jokes, make plans to hang out, etc.

The most interesting part in all of this is that I had a fleeting moment of, "Oh crap." The "Oh crap" thought happened because I started worrying that adding one more person to my life might be chaotic and wreak havoc, but in reality, the opposite has turned out to be true. It occurred to me that I've spent the past ten years wrapped up in work, wrapped up in my relationship, and then later, wrapped up in being a mom. There was so little time for myself that I didn't realize how badly I needed it. Maybe it's just me, but I was honestly feeling like I had lost part of myself, like I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't even realize how much I've isolated myself, especially in recent years.

Recognizing that makes me a little sad, just because I'm seeing more and more that I've limited myself in so many ways, but it's also motivated me to make some changes. I told my husband a few weeks ago that we needed to pick one night over the weekend, each weekend, and declare it "me time." He does his thing, I do my thing. Even married couples need time apart from each other to pursue their own interests. (I'm singing "Amen" to myself right now.) But it's true. Shawn and I have completely different interests and I've put most of mine on hold the whole time we've been together. That's not a slam against anyone, just a statement of fact. He's not interested in theater/plays, or going to movies, or going dancing. We share some interest in the same music, but not much. And yet, somehow, we managed to get together and get married, which is pretty neat, but there's been a bit of a void. My tank was empty. I tell people all the time that when you give of yourself day after day, you have to be selfish (in a good way and in moderation) to make sure that your tank gets filled up. If you feel fulfilled, you're more likely to keep working to meet others' needs, too.

I finally decided to fill up my own tank and it feels amazing.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Forgive and Forget

I've written some thought provoking (and some obnoxious) posts over the years on my other blog (that I share with my awesome, amazing sisters) about lies, love, karma, revenge and forgiveness. If you want to take a peek, you can go HERE or HERE or HERE or even HERE.

And yet, even after all this time, the question remains...how do I forgive someone who a.) doesn't want forgiveness, or b.) isn't sorry? I know that I should forgive for the sake of forgiving. That's what God calls us to do. At least, that's how I see it. I'm sure God has forgiven me for a whole slew of things I've done, and He's forgiven me because that's what He does. He takes my burden and He forgets it. Any burden that I feel afterward is my own doing.

So, I'm having a hard time forgiving and forgetting the indiscretions of someone else. It's not right, but I acknowledge it and own it. And yet, I'm still struggling, not only with that, but also with forgiving myself for being angry. I don't necessarily have a point to this post--just sorting things out in my head.

More nonsense later.