Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Overwhelmed

It's exceedingly difficult for me to admit this, but (deep breath) I'm in way over my head.

It turns out, I'm really not Super Woman. This is leading to a serious identity crisis. So much of what I do on a daily basis is handle problems--one crisis after another, whether it's a client's crisis or an administrative crisis or an educational crisis--and I barely have enough time or energy to handle my own problems, of which there are many. I'm too tired to keep doing it all.

I keep trying to figure out when it became my responsibility/role to handle everything, no matter what the cost. Now I'm seeing it's a role I gave to myself and I'm the only one who can take it away.

I think I need to resign from my position as caretaker of the world and everyone in it. The hours are too intense and I'm drained...drained physically, mentally and emotionally. It's after 8pm and in 22 hours, I'm supposed to be lecturing graduate students and answering their questions on the Social Cognitive View of Career Choice and I'm not prepared. It's not like to me to fly by the seat of my pants and I despise feeling so unorganized. Sitting in front of the computer tonight has been a huge wake up call, in that I realized that yes, I'm supposed to be lecturing in 22 hours, but right now, I'm too tired to care. I don't feel guilty about blogging instead of organizing my notes and Power Point.

I heard a quote recently, something like this (and I'm sorry, I don't know who said or wrote it originally, but if anyone knows, I'd be happy to provide a proper citation)..."The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference."

I am indifferent to most things in my life right now and I'm afraid that's a precarious position to be in. Do you suppose it's just good old-fashioned burnout? Maybe it's my chronic lack of sleep? All the pressure I'm putting on myself? All of the above? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm giving myself until exactly 10pm to finish my notes, and then I'm going to bed. Worst case scenario is that I let the students out a half hour early tomorrow night. I'm sure none of them will complain...

4 comments:

Jim Latchford said...

Hving read your latest post there are probably a 1,000 cliches that come to my mind, each of which are designed to impart some nugget of wisdom about coping with life that seems to spinning out of control. All have some degree of value, but none have application or purpose unless the person on the hearing end is receptive to the healing that each offers. I offer you no plaitudes, but a promise of a spoken prayer on your behalf that beseeches God to wrap His presence around you in everything that you endeavor to do. It is the treasures we lay up in heaven that, for me, gives me strength and purpose to face each day as a promise that I am of value and He isn't through with me yet. Hang in there my friend...the horizon is only as far as we dare dream.

Catherine said...

Whatever it is you're feeling, I'm feeling it too. I just hope it goes away soon.

Miss you, love you.

Margaret said...

It's never easy to admit that WE are the ones who have to define who we are. But in the end, it saves us from letting others define us.

The Force will guide you...

Cheryl said...

You need a break. Can you take one?