Saturday, October 11, 2008

Running Blind

I'm sitting at my kitchen table right now, typing with my eyes closed. It's a good thing I took that typing class back in high school! I've just managed to snag a few minutes to myself, which is pretty rare on a Saturday. Or any day, for that matter. It's been a heck of a day...busy, but pretty good overall. Got some shopping done this morning, finished cutting out and organizing the pieces of fabric for my daughter's Halloween costume and graded some papers. It was a pretty productive afternoon. I just finished eating dinner, which was pretty darn tasty if I do say so myself. I made boneless, skinless chicken thighs with marinated artichoke hearts, green beans, broccoli, brown-rice-noodles (which are just like regular noodles, but made with brown rice) and blueberry cobbler. Oh, yummy yummy.

Okay, my eyes are open now. I'm trying to figure out how over the course of a relationship, two people can grow close enough to finish each others' sentences, to feel each other's pain, to convey a feeling with nothing more than a touch...and yet, there are still some days in between, some moments where the air is heavy with silence, where you can't help but shut your eyes in what can only be thought of as a show of quiet desperation...where where the same two people can open their eyes, look at each other and think, "You don't know me at all."

Anyone ever had that experience?

I think it's one of those things that happens when you've been with someone for a while, when you feel like you really know each other, but still manage to get blindsided by something...something that deep down, you feel like you should have known, or your partner should have known, all along. Sometimes it's a breakdown in communication. Sometimes it's nothing more than a misunderstanding. And other times, it's something fundamental, something that to one half of the couple, is critical. It may not be a big deal to anyone else, but for the person who's clutching to it, it's a very, very big deal. And it's worse when it's been explained over and over, when something has been asked over and over, and it just doesn't seem to make a difference.

Do you ever just long for someone to understand you? To really get you? I want that. And most of the time, that someone is my spouse. And other times, to be perfectly honest, that someone is nobody. I've got a deep well of "stuff" inside of me, thoughts swirling in my brain, feelings all tangled up inside, emotions just beyond the surface that I want to give voice to. But I keep it all locked up out of fear that I won't be understood. Or worse, that I'll be understood, but it just won't matter.

Ah well. I'm just kind of rambling now, so I think I'll scoot. I've got dinner dishes to clean up, laundry to do, bathrooms to clean, floors to mop. More papers to grade. More of all kinds of stuff that needs to get done. And it's not getting done with me just sitting here!

1 comment:

CRUSTYBEEF said...

yes I have longed for that...still do on occasion..and it's perfectly normal...the fears of letting out what we consider goofiness..

Thinking of you and I hope you feel better...yuck, Kidney Infection? owie!

E~