Monday, May 26, 2008

Sleeping with the Enemy

Sometimes I think the biggest enemy I will ever face is...myself.

Do you ever think that? Do you ever prepare yourself for something that you think is going to be a huge deal, some kind of giant battle, only then it's not?

I do that a lot. I think it may have something to do with my personality. It's not so much that I'm always looking for a fight; it's really more that I'm always prepared for a fight. The worst part in all of it, at least for me, is that I work really hard to mentally prepare myself for the problem at hand, and when it turns out to be a relatively simple issue to solve, it's like a big letdown. I've taken the time to mentally prepare for it--gotten my thoughts in line, rehearsed what I thought I'd need to say, emotionally steeled myself for the worst. And then what? NOTHING. Nothing comes to pass and I end up frustrated with myself for not saying what I thought I needed to say and more upset by the fact that (probably at least a little related to my OCD) that I keep playing it over in my head.

It goes back to the whole concept of a " man army, fighting with the shadows in your head, living out the same old moments..." I live out a lot of same old moments and if there's one thing I know about that, it's that it becomes part of a vicious circle--a circle where I kick myself for not saying what I need to say, then I re-play it in my head, then get hung up on the details of the conversation, then get mad at myself for not saying it the way I planned. Does that even make sense? It makes perfect sense to me.

Maybe it just means that I'm not good at letting go of things. I mean, I'm good at letting go of general stuff. I definitely prefer for old issues just to be water under the bridge, but I have to admit that I'm terrible at letting go of things and getting over stuff when my feelings have been hurt. Then I hold a grudge. I know it's not nice and I know I shouldn't, but I do. And I do it even when it's something I bring upon myself! Like when I have questions/concerns about an issue and someone can't answer...if I'm left to my own devices and my very vivid imagination, I often imagine the worst before there's any element of truth that can be related to my thoughts. That means I'm upset before there's a good reason to be upset. Not good, right?

If the enemy is me, it's with me all the time, whether I'm asleep or awake, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. So, I do you fight an enemy that has taken up residence in your head?

Gotta love mindless rambling, right?


Cheryl said...

I wish I knew the answer. I get so angry and frustrated with my daughter sometimes and I'm completely overwhelmed. I try to think of other things, but then the thoughts take over. Eventually, they go away. Why, I don't know. As far as things to worry about, I know that most worries are wasted, and I try not to dwell on them. Try is the key word.

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, I completely get it - the internal war in your head. I am soooo bad for holding grudges too and I reherse arguments in my head. It's a habit that needs to be broken because it never turns out like you planned in your head.
I have no wordly advice for you Martha, just know that you're not the only one. :)

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I think holding a grudge keeps you from letting someone hurt you the same way again. Ergo, holding grudges is a good thing. Says the queen of grudge holding :P