Saturday, March 08, 2008

The Things I Carry

Before my daughter came along, I thought my life was pretty complete. Now that she's in my life, I know that everything before her was in preparation for my life in the present moment.

I believe that we all have things we carry. We carry good things, not-so-good things, hopes, dreams, wishes, plans, prayers...all the little things that make us who we are. One of the biggest things I carry these days is what I will leave behind. I want to leave a legacy for my daughter. When my time comes to go Home (which I pray is a long, long time from now), I want to be able to leave with comfort, knowing that my daughter will bid me a fond farewell and be able to think, "I want to be like my mom." With that thought in mind, I started a journal for her a few years ago.

I was thumbing through it a few nights ago, smiling at some of what I had written within the past year ("I just want to tell you that if you get married and have kids, it's okay to fantasize every now and then about being single and having fewer responsibilities and obligations. And it's also okay to fantasize about punching your husband in the nose, because he whines and complains more than the much-sicker toddler. But things will return to normal, I promise."), frowning at some of the stuff from two years ago that I worry may be too much for her to handle ("I don't know if your dad and I are going to make it."), curious about whether she'll take any of my advice ("Let your kids run around naked every now and then, because a kid's butt, especially when it's farting like crazy at 7am, even when you're running late, is pretty funny."), when I came across an entry that I don't remember writing. Of course, that's not particularly unusual. Heck, give me a pen and a tablet of paper, and the words start flowing, almost taking on a life of their own. Even though it's a journal, and kind of personal, I thought I'd share it...

June 27, 2006 Tuesday

Hi Pumpkin! I love you! Today was kind of busy--you had some tummy problems at daycare, but you seem to be feeling better and now you're peacefully asleep. I was thinking about you a lot tonight. My little girl. You do have a lot of your daddy in you. But I see me in you, too. I pray that you get good things from me. Being part of me is tough work, but I also think you get some serious toughness from me. I have to tell you what a sweet girl you are--happy, pleasant, a joy in every way. And brave. It's amazing how eager you are to explore your surroundings. I hope as you get older, you keep all those qualities, but there's something important I need to tell you. I certainly want you to be a brave person, but always remember that being brave does not mean never being scared. Fear is going to happen, and it's okay to let it get you down sometimes. Being brave means not letting fear KEEP you down. Hold onto that. Always. I love you.

Reading that entry gave me hope that I'm doing okay at this thing called Life. Fear does get me down every now and then, but it has yet to keep me down. This whole "legacy" thing just might work out after all.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful way to record memories for your Munchkin. I'd do it too but I'm afraid my son would put me in the loony bin after reading how obsessed and paranoid I am/was.