Monday, December 17, 2007

Dump Truck

Warning: Mindless ranting ahead.

Bring on the dump truck, because I've got a big load of guilt to dump...

Working full-time and being a mom and wife is way more difficult than I thought it would be. I feel bad enough, and believe me, I do a perfectly wonderful job of feeling guilty without any added help.

I need to figure out a way to (kindly) tell my husband that.

Tonight, our dear, darling daughter is on sleep strike. She should be tired. In fact, I think she is tired, but is just in that loopy, two-and-a-half-year-old state of mind. The state of mind that says, "Sorry, but you're not the boss of me and you can't make me go to sleep even if it is two full hours past my bedtime." The good thing is that she's laying in bed--reading books and singing at the top of her lungs, but at least in bed.

So, where does the whole guilt thing come in?

Okay. Since July, I've been working my regular job, doing all the "regular" stuff that I do around the house, plus teaching two graduate classes at night. That means two very long days, back to back. It also means that I miss my little munchkin's bedtime two nights in a row. That by itself is enough to make me shrivel up into a rotten-mommy prune. But tonight, I was expressing some anxiety about why our daughter doesn't seem to want to go to sleep, and my wacky husband says, "Well, I think she's tired, but she's just fighting it because she wants to see you before bed and she never knows what time you're going to get home."

Ouch.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but now I'm feeling mean. I love my husband, and part of that love extends into me wanting to occasionally kick him in his keester. Like now.

Here's my mindless rant...Never mind the fact that I'm working an extra job to pay off the mountain of medical expenses we've had since our daughter came barrelling into lives--she's a beautiful, wonderful blessing. But an expensive blessing. Never mind that for the first two years of her life, I was the one taking care of her every single time she was sick. Never mind that I used all of my sick time at work and had to dip into the little bit of vacation time I had to cover the time. Never mind the days when I was home with her, pounding her back to break up the crud in her lungs, forcing steroids into her tiny body to help her lungs stabilize and cleaning up the vomit that resulted from the breathing treatments. Never mind the anxiety riddled-days and sleepless nights, trying to maintain the delicate balance of, well, everything. Never mind the hours I've spent rocking her, singing to her, reading to her, praying for her and with her...and never mind the fact that I would do it again in a heartbeat, not even a hint of hesitation in my mind or soul. Never mind the fact that the motherhood is as new to me as fatherhood is to him.

Never mind any of that.

And never mind him, either. People have told me that being a mother is a thankless job. I don't buy it. Being a mommy is the most rewarding thing I've done in my life. Now, the possibility that being a wife is a thankless job, maybe that's another story.

I'm making a mean face, because my husband is standing right behind me, all smiling and telling me he loves me. I should feel guilty about posting this. But I don't. Yet.

5 comments:

Margaret said...

There's nothing so joyous as good, old-fashioned, Catholic guilt. No reason necessary.

And as for your idea that "being a wife is a thankless job," I believe your on to something:-)

Cheryl said...

So did your husband read this?

You know you put way more thought into this than he could have imagined, right? He said his few words and was done. Probably no hidden meaning. So, don't feel guilty. You are the best mom and doing what has to be done. It's what we women do.

Catherine said...

I love you, and if I haven't said it before, I'll say it now that the poise with which you handle so many responsibilities is something I can only aspire to.

I will give you a big hug in a few days.

jAMiE said...

I hope you feel better now...don't feel guilty, you are a wonderful mother, clearly...your daughter is so fortunate to have you...oh and so is that husband of yours! wink!!

Marni said...

I feel the same way sometimes! I started grad school with J-man started kindergarten...

so

I had two kids under the age of 5, worked a full time job, and went to grad school at night while hubby worked the night shift. Talk about feeling stressed, alone, and under-appreciated!!! GAH!!!

But you are doing a fantastic job! Don't beat yourself up. She is going to be fine and hubby? well... he's a man. They don't realize/understand what we do on a daily basis.

Hugs!