Friday, August 03, 2007

Going Slow

I'm learning in life that things take time. Many, many, many things. Like healing from a major hurt.

I had the craziest experience last night. I finally had the opportunity to set the record straight with two people who really, really hurt me. It wasn't so much that I told them off. It wasn't like that at all. There was no screaming, no swearing, no accusations or finger-pointing. I just spoke freely, totally cleared the air about the lies that were told--not only the lies they told me, but the lies they told to each other about me.

I felt angry, but I was surprised by how calm and confident my voice was, how I was able to be so matter-of-fact about all of it. I really think I got it all out. At the end of it, I realized there was nothing more to say and I said good-bye and walked away.

They were both dumbfounded. Stunned into silence, I suppose, by the fact that after all this time, I still had so much to say about what happened. But I felt light, totally released from the burden I'd been allowing myself to carry.

And then something crazier happened.

I woke up.

It was a dream. Only a dream. Everything inside of me sank. It was, in actuality, a terrible, terrible dream that stirred up feelings I had convinced myself were long gone. I know they were never gone. I had just pushed them down so far, I was really able to trick myself into believing they were gone, or at the very least, that they had faded and no longer mattered. I convinced myself that I had moved on, because not being honest about my feelings is easier than having to acknowledge that I was hurt so badly. It's almost like if I admit that I was hurt--that even with the passing of time, it still hurts--then they win. They bested me.

It's not rational, I know.

I keep telling myself that it's just this time of year. A different kind of anniversary, I guess, one that evokes feelings of sadness and defeat, insecurity, makes my head hurt and my heart ache. A bad anniversary that coincides with what's supposed to be a good anniversary. They're separate, yet indelibly intertwined. I really thought that this year, I'd be able to look at the present and the future without getting tripped up by the past. And yet, the past is so very much a part of my present. I really don't think I'm stuck in the past, but I do think the past has affected me more than I would ever let on to anyone, ever.

Until now.

So, there you have it. I'm haunted by a past that I can't change, can't outrun, but still not quite able to figure out how to get past it.

And it hurts. So much.


jAMiE said...

I'm proud of had your say...that was brave of you.

Catherine said...

You're my Sister and I love you unconditionally, not because of that blood tie, but because of all the memories, emotions, and connections that flow through that blood tie. I'm not sure if these are the right words, but they made me think of you:

"Thy will be done, my Lord. Because you know the weakness in the heart of your children, and you assign each of them only the burden they can bear. May you understand my love--because it is the only thing I have that is really mine, the only thing that I will be able to take with me into the next life. Please allow it to be courageous and pure; please make it capable of surviving the snares of the world."

...from Paulo Coelho's "By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept"

Martha said...

Holy smokes Sister #3. Stop it. You're making me cry!