Monday, August 13, 2007

Crying Eyes

I made a choice to work in social services. The only regret I have, if it can be called a regret, is that I still don't know how not to lose a part of myself when someone I have worked with dies. I think many times about how I had longed to go to medical school, to be a cardiologist, but found myself to be far more interested in the psychological foibles of the human race. Plus, I knew that if I went into medicine, there would be days that I could not avoid human misery...there would be days when no matter how hard I tried, even if I did the very best that I could, lives would be lost. I wasn't sure of my ability to handle it. So I decided to go into social services. Human misery on a different scale, I suppose.

Today, I decided that working in medicine would have been easier, as there's the expectation that life is not forever. It comes to an end. But when someone you've seen day in and day out for seven years...someone who fought a hard fight to get on the road to recovery...someone who only a few days ago was smiling and happy...suddenly becomes physically ill and loses that fight in less than forty-eight hours...it seems so rotten, stinking unfair.

I want to behave like my two-year-old daughter, just for a little while. I want to cry and stomp my feet and throw things, because maybe, just maybe, I can get a different outcome.

But I know there is no other outcome. So I guess all I can do is cry.

4 comments:

Margaret said...

I hope the week gets a little better. I love you!

jAMiE said...

I feel for you, i deal with death too in my illness...its hard, you never get used to it...and i'd never want to. You are a feeling human being ...and that is a beautiful thing.

Cheryl said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine. I hope you're doing well. I miss your posts...

jAMiE said...

I hope you are doing ok...you havent posted for a while...i know dealing with loss never gets easier and i wish i knew the right thing to say...but i don't...just take care of yourself...we're here when you are ready to post again.